The modern stadium has turned live games into a complete sensory assault- it’s like being at a mall during Christmas. Miniature blimps now fly overhead, dumping coupons on to fans; hot dogs are shot out of a gun; and the official’s sponsor’s “Fan-o-rometer” explodes louder than a train crash after each strike. It’s a near Normandy Invasion of marketers, with no calming moments.

The ads and gimmicks are so intrusive, it’s as if baseball thinks the sport itself is too boring to engage fans. In their view: no one wants to watch two small market pitchers out-duel each other, so let’s just build a water park to keep the fans engaged. These places even look like amusement parks as you drive closer, with rides and giant Coke bottles being the first thing you see over the horizon. Immediately, your kids –as though you are going to Disney World– start nagging about which rides they want try first. Every section is named after a different sponsor and you half expect to reach your seats through a tour boat, like a roofless Epcot Center. The whole game is spent in line, with your kid tugging at your shirt, like you are waiting to see Santa Clause rather than get a crack at the Pontiac Pitch Speed Machine.

There is no regard for the history of the game. Larry Doby broke the AL color barrier and gets a small plaque. Pepsi gets a three story statue. Last year, baseball wanted to put Spider Man ads on the bases. What’s next: actually dressing each player in full costume? Dereck Jeter, dressed as The Hulk, faces off against Randy Johnson, who’s wearing an Indiana Jones costume despite being seven feet tall?

“Who won the game?”

“I have no idea, but Batman is coming out in two weeks and every one in the bleachers gets free, Starbucks coffee tomorrow.”

Written and recorded by The Visitors Locker Room- CJ Sullivan and Sean Flannery

22/05/2008
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