All across America teenage boys and girls are filing back into the halls of every school USA, rife with dreams of a new beginning - and ripe with new found pubescent body odor. A chance to change their proverbial lot in life, make a name for themselves and finally stand out amongst their peer group. Suzy’s dying to go from the cheerleading squad, to the dance team … Jimmy can’t wait for the fall musical where this year he’s destined to shine as the lead in “Annie Get Your Gun”… and little Timmy Masterson can’t wait for 8th period gym class. All summer he’s been working hard on his game. Practicing his spin move and turn around fade away jumper. Nice moves, Timmy! That turn around fade away that you throw up from your ankles sure will come in handy this year during your 1 on 1 marathon game against the transfer student from Dubai. Let’s not forget about the countless hours you’ve devoted to checking yourself out in the mirror with all of your gear on… expensive high top sneakers? Check. Matching head and wristband? Double Check. Sweet acne all over your face, back and chest? You better believe it!

“Coach said, ‘with a little work and six more inches… you just might have a shot to make next year’s squad.’ ” Timmy might not have grown six inches, but every night before bed he would imagine himself sinking the game winning basket. All because of David Eckstein and countless gym class heroes like him. The kind of guy that makes every coach say, “if we could only put your heart into (star player’s name) body!” Thanks Davie, you little prick. Now because of you and your stupid hustling face Timmies across the country think it’s OK if they go all out in gym class. As if it actually means something. Diving for loose balls?! Calling time outs?! Drawing up “actual” plays?! What the fuck is going on here?!? Someone’s gonna tear a god-damned ACL for crissakes. Listen up Davie, or Timmy, whatever the hell your name is… you suck. You’re not going to make the team. And no one cares if you sank a thirty-footer right before the bell rang. Just because Michael Jordan got cut from the Varsity team as a freshmen does not mean that now after 3 years of playing horse with your Mom in the backyard that you’re on your way to cutting down the nets come March. Do yourself a favor. STOP TRYING. You’re pathetic. You’re embarrassing yourself and the sport. Next time I see you throw up that weak ass hook shot I’m gonna spike it back in your face volleyball style. You better watch your step Timmy… And as for your Epstein… I better not see your pointy-nosed, spittle spewing, over-exaggerated hustle face after you hit yet another bullshit dribbler to the short stop any where near my schoolyard, or else… it’s wedgie time! ATOMIC STYLE

17/09/2007
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