Hey. Whatever, I’ve been living with Jerry O’Connell and Rebecca Romijn for the last week or so. Yeah. It’s cool. I definitely hang out in their pool. I got swimmers’ ear! Can you believe it? And get ready for this: they get swimmers ear too! Because everyone, I found out over those two weeks that they are stars, but they’re just like us. They really are. They party and drink beer, and they have three dogs that Jerry washes in a Speedo and his iPod swimming holder which he uses when he swims. Because he likes to listen to music when he swims, just like us!! They watch kooky videos, just like us, and they have power outages. I was trapped in their house for several hours one day because the power went out. Did Rebbecca wave a Victoria Secret wand to get the power back? No! Jerry had to call the power company to get them to wave their wand. Just like us!!! It’s pretty cool actually. I totally had coffee with them several mornings. Rebbecca is really down to earth and very smart. Just like us! Not really just like all of us, she’s smarter and funnier than most of us, so it Jerry. But it’s really chill just talking with them. Jerry sometimes hunts snakes with a machete in his snake hunting boots. Just like us! They have US Weekly, and OK! magazine on their kitchen table, and they flip through them and talk about their friends that are in the magazine, just like us! And they see pictures of themselves at their wedding in the magazines, just like us! We are exactly like them. They eat food that is healthy for them, (they both have great bodies, just like us!!) and that food is prepared for them. And they have extra towels for me, just like we do, and when I go swimming they offer me beers, just like all of us do. We ALL offer me beers! Jerry is very funny, and tells great stories. He used to be on Sliders and Crossing Jordan, and he is so charismatic that you get drawn into his personality through his wild blue eyes, and Rebecca genuinely loves him, and she should, because they are great together. They really are. Just like we are. We are great together. And all of us are on Ugly Betty as a trans gender post-op. But to be honest, most of us are not as funny as she is. She’s really funny. And you might think that because she’s a super model, she’s maybe not that bright, but you are buying into a stereotype that basically was forever overturned after my first conversation with her. And here’s one of the reasons they are so fun. They have a costume closet and they go to the mall and take glamor shots in costume, like we do. They take really funny pictures though, better pictures than we do (because they are better looking). And they are generous. Sort of like us. We’re actually not that generous. They’re not like us in that respect. I mean, Jerry invited me into his home until I found a place, and he was so nice about it, I was a little taken aback. I couldn’t believe it. “That’s not just like us” I thought. And when he sent me funny texts about staying at his place, and when he offered genuine, honest and helpful advice, I thought “he’s not really acting just like us.” And it scared me a little. He even came to my trailer and made me feel better about being late, because he isn’t usually late like we are. He’s professional and smart about his career, and that’s why, like him or dislike him, he’s had a lasting career, which is more than most of us can say. We’re not doing that well really, in a way we really show up late to work, and we don’t have as much money as we wish we could have. We definitely don’t have loving spouses, most of us. And really, most of us wake up in the morning and want to buy a gun. And we certainly aren’t navigating Hollywood and the insanity that accompanies it with grace and skill, and we don’t really feel generally really happy, and we aren’t liked by almost everyone I talk to, and we definitely didn’t have Fergie sing at our wedding. I mean, in a way, we didn’t have anyone sing at our wedding. Just some crappy wedding DJ who overcharged us and that was a double sting because the same guy who recommended the brake shop that screwed us recommended a wedding DJ that really screwed us. In way we wish someone cool had sang at our wedding. What am I talking about “in a way?” we didn’t have Vanessa Williams, or Fergie, or anyone sing. We just didn’t. And we aren’t some of the cooler people I’ve met in LA. We’re not really that cool at all. We’ll be lucky to make it though the next 5 years without failing at what we do, either from apathy or substance abuse, and we certainly don’t have a pool. Most of us don’t even get swimmers ear. So they’re not really like us. Not really at all. In fact, they’re different than us. They’re better than us. Is it any wonder they’re stars? Not really. It’s not any wonder at all. Not when you lived with them for a week. Like I did.

15/09/2007
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