We’ve got to do something about this guy. I initially didn’t know how bad it was, but this is getting serious. If we don’t take a stand right now, this son of a bitch just might have the nerve to release Clerks III.

Kevin Smith has just released Clerks II, his latest effort in a continuing pursuit to get me to have a heart attack. See I have this weird thing. Big important issues that most people really have a deep emotional tie to don’t tend to play too big of a role in my life. I’m usually even keeled about most things. But put me in a position where I’m forced to watch even four minutes of Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back and I will instantly be struck with the rage of a man who just witnessed the execution of his wife and new-born child.

Kevin Smith is a cheese-dick director who thinks he changed cinema forever when he broke out with his independent hit Clerks in 1994. Since then he gave us Mallrats. Ben Affleck plays a cocky guy named Shannon Hamilton, and amazingly it’s worse than it sounds. Chasing Amy (explained later), Dogma (dog shit) and the aforementioned Jay and Silent Bob vehicle (quite possibly the worst thing caught on film since films’ inception) followed. Which brings us to K Smith’s most recent project. You know your creative juices as an artist are flowing when you put ‘II’ next to a previous piece of work and call it a new piece. He is simply despicable. (By the way, I’m sick of hearing that ridiculous point friends bring up to me whenever I talk about the fact that Kevin Smith is the worst guy ever. ‘Oh c’mon dude. You liked Clerks when it came out. ” Yeah. I was 15. I also shopped at Merry-Go-Round for jean shorts. Luckily we grow as humans and are able to change our minds.)

Oh, and by the way, Kevin Smith is also one of those egomaniacal directors that puts himself in all his own movies. What were his roles again? Let’s take a look at his acting credentials.

Clerks… Silent Bob
Mallrats… Silent Bob
Chasing Amy… Silent Bob
Dogma… Silent Bob
Scream 3… Silent Bob
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back… Guess Fucking Who
Clerks II… Silent Bob

That’s right. He wrote this awful character into his first film, then thought that this character HE PLAYS is so iconic, so revolutionary, that he’d simply have to appear in every movie he ever made again. But that’s not the worst. No no no no no. As his atrocious catalogue of films continued to be assembled, he decided Silent Bob needed to grow as a person. What better way for Bob to grow than for him to start speaking. And in the climactic scene of Chasing Amy, Silent Bob spoke for the first time. This is the end of Bob’s speech he gives to a confused Holden McNeil (played by Ben Affleck’s shit-eating grin):

“But, by the time I figured this all out, it was too late; she moved on. And all I had to show for it was some foolish pride which then gave way to regret. She was the girl. I know that now. But, I pushed her away. So I’ve spent everyday since then chasing Amy.”

I just booted my dog. Are you out of your fucking tree? How, as a director, can you even think it would be a good idea to put that garbage line in a movie, let alone have the nerve to have it delivered by a character who previously conveyed all his emotion by raising his eye brows and tilting his torso to one side? While writing this movie he thought, “you know what, I think I ought to deliver this one.” What an awful decision. If you’re going to be that narcissistic, don’t half-ass it. At least get a blow job from Chloe Sevigny at the end of your movie.

Above all other atrocities he has committed to our society, there is one that can never be forgiven. He’s the reason drunk guys in backward ball caps say ’snoochie-boochies’ out at bars and laugh hysterically to each other. But to be honest, that’s all gravy. When it comes down to it he’s just a nerd. And whatever happened to hating someone for just being a nerd?

13/07/2007
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