Subway is ready for everyone to get fat again. Really pile on the el-bees. And, they want you to make sex with your lunch while you’re doing it. Let me explain.

I despise Subway. The bread is awful. And the sandwich artistry is practiced with the skill of a handless chimp who fingerpaints with his tail. (bet you thought I’d say “fingerpaints with his monkey cock” or something of the sort, didn’t you? Well now I did. You happy? Piss off.)

But still, I dine there on average of 3.5 times per week. Why? I work in Manhattan, and everything is ridiculously overpriced. The Subway ‘deal of the day’, including a fountain pop, bag of chips, and the chosen 6-inch special, comes to $4.32. Rain or shine. It’s reliable, quick, semi-healthy, and costs considerably less than a similar meal topping out at 7-9 dollars from a corner deli. However, the amount that I loathe Subway is trumped by my desire to save cash to blow on booze, and my even stronger tendency towards habitual behavioral patterns.

In recent weeks my dysfunctional lunch partner Subway has introduced what they call “Super Stuffed” sandwiches. They are basically a gigantic mess of Subway garbage with “triple the meat” slopped into their larger, aesthetically different, but just as horrible, “Special Braided Bread”.

Ever since the Jared campaign, Subway has tried to convince the public that their products are synonymous with maintaining a healthy diet. And the fact of the matter is that a good portion of the public truly doesn’t know what foods are bad for you. “White bread? Mayonnaise? Shee-yit. All I knows is Subways means good for you. I don’t pay no ‘ttention to that other mess like nutricktion’l amounts. I’m inna hurry. Gotta get back to my job at Hardee’s. Put double mayo on that 12-inch turkey. And add on some bacon.”

Because that’s who is gonna buy the majority of the Super Stuffeds. The Super Stupids. People who believe that more of shit equals better as opposed to more shit.

Or Food Fuckers.

The commercial for these suck wagons portrays attractive, fit, young professionals devouring the Stuffeds, each as characters with their own eating style, including, “The Jammer”, “The Crammer”, and “The Bitch Splitter”. Okay, so it’s just “The Splitter”, but they may as well have just went for it. It’s all obscene in the truest definition.

So Mike, what you’re saying is, Subway has been plotting since pre-Jared, to make people lose weight on their “Subway Diets” (or believe that they have), only to eventually trick them into getting so excited about what they believe to be healthy, yet giant, piles of sandwich glory that they actually become aroused and some will consider making the screws to them?

Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying. What else the fuck do you think I was getting at?

Subway wants your chunky dumper to pound a triple steak and cheese ’til you squeal.

Me? I know better. I only put my sweet dinger in Wendy’s.

Editor’s Note: Mike has actually yet to consume a “Super Stuffed Sub” for this review as all Subway locations he has visited have neither had the “Special Braided Bread” needed for an accurate representation of the advertised product, nor have they known how to make them properly. The actual cost of a “Super Stuffed” was also an enigma for all proprietors. All photos of promotional posters were taken at the Subway location at 33rd and Madison in New York. In lieu of a “Super Stuffed”, Mike got the special of the day Meatball Sub, a Diet Coke, and Sun Chips. It was god-awful.

10/07/2007
RSS 2.0 / trackback