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THE EXCITING SUPERSTAR NIGHTLIFE OF BLERDS

 
   

The following is an actual exchange of text messages sent between Kyle Kinane,
11:56PM Los Angeles Time, and Mike Burns, 2:56AM New York Time.

KINANE: *meatballs jackson!

BURNS: I’m by myself. drunk and high. surrounded by wearhouses deep in brooklyn. overdrawn account. no credit cards. no cash. *olive garden!

KINANE: I want to help. Remember to cover your face during the jump.

BURNS: I know the drill.

KINANE: Put your hands together for *Remo Williams!

BURNS: get your singles ready for *fear factory!

KINANE: *root canal!

KINANE: *Cable Box!

BURNS: *dirty pennies!

KINANE: *From The Broiler!

KINANE: This is killing me. Save these.

(Burns’ phone dies. Following is from someone else’s phone upon arrival at )

BURNS: Burns’ phone is dead But he’s alive. *(erased and unremembered fake stripper name. probably something like “sour cream”.)

KINANE: Good. I’m going sleepberries.

* horrible, fake stripper names

by Mike Burns

 

     

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