BLERDS

In Favor of Legalization

by Jared Logan, Blerds Constitutional Law Expert

Check it out: It’s high time we started defending some basic freedoms in this country. The man has been cracking down on our generation too hard, and I, for one, am sick of it. It’s time we demand that this country make it legal to sit on your ass and do nothing.

In this country it’s perfectly legal to go out and drink alcohol all night with your buddies and then go into work the next day hung over, rendering yourself absolutely useless all day long. But if you stay home, sitting on your ass, playing videogames and eating Funyons instead of going into work, you get fired!

Anyone smell a double-standard at work here?

In this country, it’s perfectly legal to sell, buy, and smoke tobacco cigarettes, even though they kill millions of people every year. But if you sit on your ass all by yourself, watching the same four movies over and over, eating copious amounts of fried foods that you have delivered, suddenly people are all over you about your health! Hey, Health Nuts, maybe we should illegalize cigarettes and legalize sitting on your ass (and doing nothing)!

There are literally dozens of medicinal applications for sitting on your ass and doing nothing. Doctors in certain states prescribe it regularly for their patients under its medical name, Rest and Relaxation. If you’ve ever gone to the hospital for treatment, you’ve probably used it yourself. Next time you go to a hospital, take a look around. None of the patients is doing anything even remotely productive. They’ve got TVs hooked up in every room just so the patients can just sit on their asses and space out.

We need to give this privelidge of sitting on your ass to all Americans, not just the sick or disabled.

Sitting on your ass is a great substitute for many industrial processes that create intolerable amounts of waste and pollution. Think about it. What if one day everyone hard at work sawing down the amazon rainforest just said “Fuck it,” and then went home to just hang out and see what was on TV. We need to sit on our ass instead of tearing down our rainforests to make paper.

Why do we need papers when we have computers, I ask you?

A lot of great products come from sitting on your ass. The 61″ big screen television, electronic vibrating massage chair, and Cheetos cheese snacks all came from people sitting on their asses and refusing to engage in activity of any sort. And what would we do without inventions like that cool electric globe that shoots lightning at your fingertips when you touch it. You know that thing? You get it at Spencer Gifts? That thing is great, and light-up novelty decorations like that would not be possible without plenty of people sitting on their ass.

Look at all the good things that come from sitting on your ass. And people still want to stop its legalization. To hell with those people, man! To hell. With them.

Those people would like you to believe that sitting on your ass is a gateway to other behaviors that might be harmful to you. I’ll admit that someone who sits on their ass a lot is probably more inclined to take a nap now and then. Hey, a little nap now and then never hurt anyone. But I think the claim that people who sit on their ass eventually end up doing harder stuff, like suspended animation or self-inducing comas, is absolutely preposterous. That’s completely out-of-line with what people who sit on their ass are all about. How are you supposed to watch Goodfellas for 37th time or listen to a really cool Moe album that you burned on your pc if you’re in a self-induced coma? You can’t!

Those people want you to think that you will do nothing with your life if you sit on your ass and do nothing. I’ll admit they might have a point there. But then, what about all the great famous and successful people who regularly sit on their ass and do nothing? Celebrities like Matthew McConaughey. And Adam Carolla. Oh! And the guy who wrote that book Wicked. He probably does it. I don’t know it for a fact, but I bet he does. When you read it you can totally tell that he sits on his ass. Has anyone seen a picture? Is he fat?

(Have you ever read Wicked while sitting on your ass and listening to Pink Floyd album Dark Side of the Moon? Nothing happens. It’s confusing. Hard to focus. I don’t recommend it.)

Look People, everyone knows that the laws against sitting on your ass were made so William Randolph Hearst could make more money. In the early 1900s, Hearst was cutting costs by upping the number of children and poor people in his workforce instead of buying large machines that could do the work of hundreds. Back then, people were payed -.01 cent per hour. That means that for every hour a six-year-old worked in Hearst’s publishing factory, the child owed Hearst one penny. Over the door of every one of his factories, Hearst posted the slogan “Be Thankful You Have a Job.” But then, with the invention of the phonograph, everything changed. People thought, “Man, why should I go into work and pay this fatcat a cent for every hour I’m there when I can relax at home, sit on my ass, and listen to my albums?” Soon, Hearst had no work force at all, but a great portion of the law-makers on capital hill were in his back pocket, so he quickly set into motion a law that would make it illegal to sit on your ass. People were forced to go to work where they died agonizing deaths in printing press accidents and Hearst was able to destroy the legacy of the phonograph completely, making it virtually impossible to sell any personal music-playing devices today. And that’s how sitting on your ass became illegal.

After you’ve read about the origins of this unjust law I just don’t see how you can deny that the time for the legalization of sitting on your ass has come. Every American deserves the right to sit on his or her ass, halting his or her forward momentum in life, spacing out on movies and games and food, distracted to the point of paralysis by the shiny goo-gaws of life. We should have the right to reject everything, to do nothing, to sit back and take a load off as the universe passes us by and we wait for death. If all of us don’t go into work tomorrow, they’ll be forced to change the law!

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