by Jared Logan, Head Editor of Maxxim Magazine

It’s that time of year again, bro. Time to pull open the hot, sticky pages of your favorite mag, Maxxim, and see what all the fuc– I mean FUSS is about. That’s right. It’s time for our annual Maxxim Magazine 100 Most Do-Able Bitches issue!

Enclosed here, for our loyal Blerds readers, is part of the article that accompanies our 42-page wet and wild, big and bouncy pictorial spread (and we do mean spread). Consider this a little preview. You’re going to get a description of five of the 100 hot bods on our list, along with a blow by blow (and we do mean blow) account of how they appear in their accompanying photo! We’re going to wet your pallet for the main event. After reading our descriptions of these 100 female succubi (and we do mean SUCK-ubi) you’re definitely going to want to run down to the corner store and shell out a paltry 6.95 for the issue. Why? Because you’re going to want to see all the perty pictures, broseph! Now quit being a faggot and read the article!

THE 100 MOST DO-ABLE BITCHES!

100. Secretary of the Interior Lynn Scarlet — Yeah, we’d like to get into Lynn’s interior! And we do mean interior! Lynn holds a cabinet position in the Bush whitehouse, but we’d like to see what kind of position she could hold at our house! Her respect for the environment is almost as sexy as her pear-shaped butt! We would do her! PHOTO: Lynn Scarlet, in a modest, yet stylish business ensemble, addressing the Southern Florida Wetlands Preservation Society.

76. Law & Order SVU’s Annie Potts– Is there honey in that Potts? We’d like to find out. You probably first remember Annie from Ghostbusters in which she played Janine, the secretary. In Ghostbusters II she got our pubes pulsating in a steamy sex scene with Rick Moranis! From there she moved on to Designing Women and we lay awake many nights dreaming about a menage-a-three between Annie, Dixie Carter, and Delta Burke! Now she’s on Law & Order SVU, protecting the victims of violent crime as a lawyer in the TV courtroom. Annie can take our case any day, as long as she lets us see her briefs! We would do her! PHOTO: Annie Potts standing on a soundstage made to look like a courtroom. Her blouse is open and she is visibly angry. A Maxxim Magazine intern is running out of the shot.

54. That chick who licks the lolly-pop in that one Ja Rule video– No, not that one. The other one! No, in the Ja Rule video, not in the Nelly video. Actually, it might be more of a sucker (and we do mean sucker) than a lolly-pop. Do you know who we mean now? We think that’s her on the far right jiggling her ass rapidly later in the video. It’s the video where he talks about how much money he has. That girl can lick our lolly-pop any day! She Ja-RULES. Anyway, we think black chicks are hot! PHOTO: a fuzzy captured shot from a music video with murky lighting. There might be a chick with a lolly-pop in the bottom right hand corner, or that might be someone’s leg. It’s hard to tell.

29. Home Improvement’s Patricia Richardson. She played the Mom on Home Improvement and all we’ve got to say is AUGH! AUGH! AUGH! AUGH! Just like Tim “the Toolman” Taylor (played by Tim Allen) we want this sexy bitch to give us MORE POWER! And by ‘power’ we mean ’sex.’ She may have gotten mad at Tim when he wrecked the house with his power tools, but she won’t be mad at us when we use our power tool to wreck her! Was that over the line? We honestly don’t care. We’ve never had a meaningful sexual relationship! PHOTO: Patricia Richardson, in a nightgown, on the lawn of her L.A. home pointing a handgun at the Maxxim photographer that tried to sneak into her house.

14. Lord of the Rings’ Elijah Wood. Yeah, so what if he’s a dude! Elijah Wood is one of the 100 most do-able bitches in the world! We’d make ourselves the Lord of his Ring, if you get our meaning. And you do get our meeting because the ’sexual innuendo’ we’re spouting is embarrassingly simple-minded and mean-spirited. What’s not to get? Anyway, we’d do Elija Wood. We’d do anything that moves. Now page to the back of the magazine and look at the catalogue there. Oh! Hey! Look! A back-massager! That’s cool! You need one of those! And WHOAH! Look at those beer steins! You gotta have those for the bar you’re building in your living room! Fill out that order form now! And grab one of those sports bottles and that wrist-watch while you’re at it. You’ll look pretty fresh with those on your person!

Make your check out to:

MAXXIM MAGAZINE’S WE OWN YOU MERCHANDISE SALES DEPT.

ORDER TODAY!

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end of preview.

20/04/2007
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