Superhero movies are big box office again this summer, and I’ve got the low-down skinny on all the hot comic book franchises that are franchising their way into your local multiplex. If you haven’t seen the following film, then be forewarned. There are…

>>>SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Today I’m going to reveal the dope inside scoop on Superman in Superman Returns, which is apparently about Superman abandoning the planet earth for five years (seems in character for Superman) to go into outer space, then returning to find that Lois Lane has a kid.

I repeat: Superman returns to find that Lois Lane has a kid. Out of wedlock.
I’ve combed the internet for fan info, and I can tell you a little more. The following rumors are absolutely true.

1.) Lois’s kid, whose name is Travis Tyler Lane, is autistic. When asked why this decision was made, one screenwriter explained “We needed to give our script about an autistic child a strong hook, something that would make movie-goers see the film and learn more about autism. Then it hit us: let’s put Superman in the movie!”

2.) Superman paternity test jokes to the contrary, the child is not Superman’s. In the movie, the father of Lois’s child is, in point of fact, Batman’s. Or Hawkman’s. Lois isn’t sure.

3.) In this film, which, in case you can’t tell, is a bit of a departure from the Superman canon, Lex Luthor is actually a gay kryptonian serial killer who works for the FBI. When asked why this decision was made, another one of the 23 screenwriters who worked on the film stated “Shhhh. I’m counting my money.”

4.) Comic book fans are up in arms over the film’s portrayal of Lex Luthor as gay. Gays are up in arms over the portrayal of a gay man as a serial killer. Serial killers are up in arms over the portrayal of serial killers as working for the FBI. A brawl broke out at a recent press conference held to promote the film. Guess who won this physical altercation…
Was it:
a) the comic book fans
b) the gays
c) the serial killers
?

5.) In the film, which director Bryan Singer claims “deals with real-life issues,” Superman is depicted as a recovering alcoholic and a heavy smoker. Only, because he’s Superman, he has to drink giant industrial size petroleum tankers to get drunk and he can only smoke nuclear isotopes to get a buzz. “He had to leave earth because his drinking problem was causing an energy crisis,” says Singer. “An energy crisis is something real people can relate to,” explained Singer, as he took a bite of his ostrich-egg omelette from his silver spoon and then sipped from a golden goblet full of 90-year old wine aboard his yacht in the middle of the Caribbean.

6.) The film contains a gratuitous sex scene between Jimmy Olsen and a new character, Skates, played by Claire Littleton, one of the stars of Lost. Says Littleton of her character: “She’s just this really independent girl who wears rollerskates all the time, and has sex, and goes windsurfing.”

7.) In the climax of the film, Superman fights velociraptors in bullet-time. An ILM Special Effects Expert explains how his team made the velociraptors look so incredibly real… “We filmed all the actors in front of a green screen with skin-tight green body suits covering every inch of their skin and every orifice. Then, 700 special effects computer artisans worked for nine years to hand-render 1,000,000,000,000,000 individual pixels that were transferred onto the film manually by Mexican labor. The entire thing only cost 47 million dollars.”

8.) Here’s the biggest spoiler of all! How does the film end? A review on the internet reads: “At the very end, a drunken superman reeling through the sky at superspeed is about to crash into the Metropolis World Trade Center Towers, but he’s stopped by Oliver Stone, who has been grown to giant size by Lex Luthor’s Kryptonite ray. Lois, and her African American boyfriend Keating (played by Chiwetel Ejiofor) take Superman in and help him clean up his life and refocus on what’s important. They, along with Lois’s autistic son, Batman, Hawkman, Jimmy Olsen and Skates all live together in a big cabin in Maine and form the unlikeliest of families. The whole thing is a slap in the face to any moviegoer capable of sentient thought.”

I don’t know about you guys, but I can’t wait for this film! See you at the multiplex on June 30th.

25/03/2007
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