Why did the astronaut join NASA? Because he liked the atmosphere of
dysfunction coupled with decades of trivial scientific advances. What
can a NASA director buy with seven billion dollars? A rocket that
doesn’t work and no one cares about. A politician, an astronaut, and
a martian walk into a bar – who’s buying? The American tax-payer.

Or so the old, hilarious jokes go.

NASA, once a wellspring of national pride, has spent the past few
decades at a downward trajectory not even the most durable ceramic
heat shield could mollify. This current fiasco, a love-triangle
involving astronaut Lisa Nowak, is just the latest malfunction on a
multi-stage engine of disgrace. Forty years ago, using a slide rule
and a riveted iron space capsule, NASA was able to put men
on the moon. How were they able to accomplish it? They were scrappy,
they were afraid of the Soviets, and they were all likely
heavy-smokers and drunks. That’s how you get things done. These
days, we have coed missions that climax with a tender in-orbit embrace
just prior to scraping the mission because someone forget to pack a
philips-head screwdriver. Is this the space program Kennedy
envisioned all those years ago? Well, maybe the love-triangle part.

Space exploration is supposed to be a cutting-edge technologic field.
Isn’t it somewhat disheartening that our greatest accomplishment -
putting a man on the moon - occurred back in 1969? Since then,
computers have been invented. It is time for NASA to step back up to
the plate. Unfortunately, because of this Nowak business, they are
likely to shelve all plans in order to restructure the HR department.
More wasted time and money.

Back in the old days, no one was worried about the psychological
problems of astronauts. They were, by default, pathological lunatics.
Who else would volunteer for a project that involves being shot into
space? And though behavioral problems existed, no one made a big
stink about it. When Yuri Gagarin once slashed Khrushchev’s tires,
they settled it with a fist fight followed by a shot of vodka –
because that was just the way things were done.

What NASA needs right now - almost as much as some type of achievement
in space - is a change in public relations policy. Okay, it looks
kind of bad, but I have a few suggestions that will
surely help turn things around:

1) Declassify some UFO stuff. Everyone would think that to be awesome.
2) New logo. Get someone who does a lot of artwork for bad metal bands.
3) New uniforms. Something a bit more formfitting. Colors can’t hurt!
4) A new spaceship. The space shuttle was cool the way Epcot Center
was once cool. 1981 called, and she wants her Rick Springfield
lunchbox back.

[Editor’s note: 1992 called, and it wants it’s joke premise back]

08/03/2007
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