Say there everyone. R&B legend Billy Ocean here with a very special announcement:

If McDonald’s don’t put the Filet-O-Fish on the Dollar Menu soon, I’m about to break-up their party like swamp ass in sweatpants.

Look, I don’t ask for nothin’ from nobody. Ol’ B.O. makes some decent coin from doin’ small 80’s themed clubs and an occasional summer town fair in some shitstain like Bay City, MI, or Bitchesthathavediseasesaftertheshow, WI. But it ain’t enough to make me all looted. You think white linen suits are free? They’re not. And in the summertime you’ll half ruin your kit during the show while you’re pourin’ with soulful swext (sex + sweat = swext), then finish it off when you spill strawberries from a funnel cake on it while trying eat a funnel cake topped with strawberries AND stuff your souful sugar tube in a local named Jeanette’s hot puddin’ at the same time. Dry clean it? Hell no. Pop the jacket, wipe the love zone and walk around that fuckin’ fair like you run that shit. That’s how B.O. gets nice on a small town. Real greasy. And really I don’t gives a FUCK!

But I digress.

The royalty checks are getting a little thin. Jive and Arista kinda bent me over on the long term of my contracts. And shit like “Get Outta My Dreams Get Into My Car”? Never saw a dime. Talkin’ ’bout some bullshit like it was on a movie soundtrack so it was promotional and didn’t count towards my points on the album.

Digressing again.

One of my one true loves is the Filet-O-Fish. It’s like a tartar donut sandwich filled with the essence of a fireside buttfuck on a cold winter night in 1986. What’s that mean? Who cares. I’m Billy Ocean. My point is, the Filet-O-Fish ain’t nothin’ but a bun, sauce, a slice of American Cheese, and a square of minced up fish bits fried to golden browns. And I’ve paid anywhere from $3.29 to upwards of $4.69 in major cities and airports. And that’s for the sandwich alone. I don’t get Value Meals. Soda makes my ulcers flare up and I got no time for fries.

My question is, why can McDonald’s offer a Double Cheeseburger and/or a McChicken Sandwich for a dollar, but not the F.O.F.? See, I don’t eat meat, so those are out of the question. This establishment is fucking me over! I CAN’T AFFORD THOSE PRICES FOR THE FILET, MCDONALD’S!!! Please, just make it a dollar. I gots a dollar. I can swing a dollar. That’s the kind of sweet soulful pricing that Billy Ocean can afford at this stage in his life.

At least think about it. I gave my heartl to the world in the form of song. The least that the world can give me back is an affordable meal at a fair price that is conducive to my diet.

Thank you for your time.

All the best,
Billy Ocean

06/03/2007
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