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So you finally got up the nerve to ask her out. Good for you. And she said yes. Better for you. You had a nice dinner, great conversation, and an entire bottle of wine. And then you swung for the fences. “Wanna go back to my place and watch a movie?” And she said yes. On the first date. She is either a super easy ho-bag, or totally totally into you. Either way, you are in. As they say, sex is on. Unless of course, you pick completely the wrong movie. Here are ten movies you should never ever watch in such a situation.
10. Hannibal – If a live head-cut-open-brain-slicing-frying doesn’t get her juices flowing, the synchronized hangin/gutting will. Not.
9. Lord of the Fans: A documentary about Lord of the Rings fans. That you’re featured in. A lot. Under the pseudonym Dildo Grabbins.
8. Chicago Bears - Super Bowl Shuffle (1986) – 20th Anniversary Collector’s Edition. You can totally William “Refrigerate-or-Bury” your chances of getting lucky. Did that intense pun make sense? I hope it did.
7. Deep Throat – “This is actually a pretty seminal moment in the adult industry, and American sexuality as a whole. So liberating. She has a clitoris in the back of her throat. Maybe you do too. Lets check and—“ Slap!
6. If We Did It - The Movie - It’s just the previous movie with her head photoshopped over Linda Lovelace’s and your head photoshopped over that gross moustache man. And the title is a play on OJ Simpson’s tell-all book. Could it get any worse? Yes.
5. Darfur Babies - Part 2 of ? - “My favorite chapter is Blinding Apathy. Let’s skip right to it.”
4. Jane Fonda’s Workout – “What you gonna do with all that junk, all that junk—let’s lose it. If things are gonna work out between us, you’re gonna work out… right now. Let’s go. One – two – where are you going? Were are you going with all that junk?”
3. Tivo’ed Katrina footage - “My favorite Chapter is Blinding Apathy–”
2. Your wedding video – “She never looked more beautiful than she did that night. Anyway, she’ll be back soon so let’s get right to it. Watcha gonna do with all that junk?”
1. National Treasure starring Nicholas Cage.
by Kumail
24/01/2007
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