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Kyle Kinane’s “Best and Worst of ‘06” (as defined by deeply personal reasons or an utter lack of effort/research into the world around me)
The Best:
Best skateboard trick not invented yet but preemptively named by someone who doesn’t even skateboard:
“The Handicap Stall” (by me, this morning, while lying in bed)
The Worst:
Worst moment of almost crying over a moment that’s initially sad in its own right but manages to domino an accessory party’s emotions to the point where the dominos are destroying each other when they connect but the self-destruction is necessary to get the full experience and that’s why you set up the dominos in the first place because they look neat and tidy and so full of potential all standing at attention single-file but the only way to real get a feeling out of them is when they fall into each other and maybe this metaphor is getting carried away but what the fuck else are you supposed to say because everyone gets sad so stop being a pussy about it and go ahead you can cry to one ONLY ONE Willie Nelson song in the car (it better not be ‘Angel Flying Too Close To the Ground’ again for christ’s sake you cry to that song when shit’s going just fine) and you better be going over 40 so nobody sees this blasphemy but what kind of asshole am I for stealing someone’s tragedy as my own just in order to grease up some kind of emotion other than the yogurt-white happiness I get from topping a freshly vacuumed room off with a squirt of Febreze and the ‘Look at me I’m a big boy’ pride I have while doing it:
When the ex-girlfriend’s dog died.
Second best skateboard trick name like how that first one went:
“The Egg Plant” (me again, when I realized I was the oldest person in the mall buying shoes with a Journeys gift card).
Best question asked of a Journeys sales representative that could also be asked of a Korowai tribesman:
“Do you have anything without skulls on it?”
Worst question asked of a Journeys sales representative that could also be asked of a Korowai tribesman:
“Do you have this in a nine and a half?”
by Kyle Kinane
03/01/2007
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