bestowed upon Jared Logan, (as featured in the Wall Street Journal)

In my time on this earth, I’ve had countless awards, honors, and distinctions bestowed upon me.  These are the awards, honors and distinctions I am most proud of:

First Infant to Climb Mt. Everest

 Distinction bestowed by the Royal London Mountaineering Society.  I climbed Mt. Everest, with assistance, when I was six months old.Coincidentally, that same year my parents won the national award for Most Irresponsible Parenting.

17th Degree Black Belt in the Martial Style of Shanjuk Kari 

 Distinction awarded by the Grand Dan of the Koomai Flung School of Shanjuk Kari, Meegaw Flung.

Few people attain the rare, practically-unheard-of 17th degree black belt in the style of Shanjuk Kari (a mid pacific asian style that uses a long pole with a birdhouse attached to one end as its primary weapon).  I have achieved communion with the universe and was forced to take a vow of celibacy because my orgasms have become deadly, their elemental force capable of splitting an oak tree in twain.

The Martin Mull Medal for Droopiest Moustache

Awarded by the Official Martin Mull Fanclub Society in 1997.  Throughout the mid to late nineties I cultivated a long droopy moustache in order to emulate my favorite artist, the surrealist Salvador Dali.  I did this in order to affect an air of eccentricity and playfullness that I thought would improve my standing in the New York art scene.  The only thing that ever came of it was that  M.M.F.C.S. (Martin Mull Fanclub Society) members noticed my moustache and awarded me their medal for droopiest Martin Mull style moustache in 1997.  They mistakenly believed I was attempting to emulate Mull, an actor I am largely indifferent to.

Fuggedabout It Magazine’s “This Guy!” 2002

After a caper involving seven hundred thousand dollars in drug money, a stolen briefcase, and a case of mistaken identity, I ended up becoming close personal friends with Fuggedabout It Magazine’s editor-in-chief, Four Fingers Carlo.  Due to this relationship, he made me Fuggedabout It Magazine’s “This Guy!” in their annual May “This Guy!”  issue, 2002.  I was on the cover, and the text beside my photo spread read as follows  “This guy!  This guy here!  This fucking guy!  Fuggedabout it!  This guy is something else!  Hey, Tino, you know this guy?  You gotta know this guy!  This guy! This fuckin’ guy!”  Fuggedabout It Magazine labels itself as “The magazine for fellas.  That’s all you need ta know.  Now scram!”  It says that right on the cover. 

The Academy of Terrible Researchers’ Best Abs in America Award

The Academy of Terrible Researchers, a group of self-confessed lazy and uninformed scholars, gave me their award for Best Abdominal Musculature in America last year, even though I weigh 260 and have a 40″ waist.  “We just picked the first guy we saw out on the street,” their President announced before handing me the award, “What do you think?  We figure he has the best abs.”  One rebellious researcher raised his hand and remarked that he himself had better abs than I did.  He was promptly removed by security.

Bronze Medal in Snow Eating

Lillehammer, 1994.  I was on the U.S. Snow Eating Team and brought home the bronze after swallowing and digesting nearly sixteen pounds of snow in seven hours, a new world record!  Unfortunately, the Chinese and Icelandic competitors also set world records that day that beat mine.  They say the Icelander who won the gold, Nyerm Fjarkcicke, trained by eating nothing but snow for eight years.  I can personally attest that when he farted it was like someone opened a window on a cold day.  There would suddenly be a draft in the room.

Netpole Online Fanzine and Illustrated Dungeon Adventure Quarterly’s Best Erotic Fanfic Online Event 2005

I won this award for Best Erotic Fanfic Online Event in 2005 because I had recently launched my website Bedrock Nights.  It was a fan fiction site dedicated to Flintstones erotica.  In my chat room, I hosted a massive online cyber sex orgy where everyone had to pretend to be a different character from the Flintstones.  I was Teenage Pebbles.  Attendance in the chatroom was so huge that we ran out of Flintstones characters and some people were forced to take the role of other Hannah Barbera cartoon personalities such as Mr. Spacely from The Jetsons and Topcat.  The reviewers of Netpole Online Fanzine and Illustrated Dungeon Adventure Quarterly said it was the most fun (and the closest thing to sex) that they’d had in months.

Those are just a few of the many awards, honors, and distinctions I have earned.  I hope to win more in the future.  If you would like to give me an award, please contact me at Blerds.com.  If you don’t have the internet, please send awards or invitations to award ceremonies to:

Blerds

The Marsky Warner Commerce Compound on State Street

Suite 4217

2600 N. Michigan Ave.

Chicago, IL 60603

Thank you.  I’m looking forward to your praise and adorations.

13/12/2006
RSS 2.0 / trackback