I might be the only job candidate who is rejected for questions, more often then answers. My interviews are like a playground fight, in that everyone agrees exactly what phrase started the whole fiasco- “now it’s your turn to ask us questions, Mr Flannery”. I then submit a question so stupid, the manager usually struggles to respond before directing me out of the room in near-anger. My interviews end like a 60 Minutes report- I never get a straight answer and am rarely welcomed back. Past highlights have included “is beer free?” (East Side Marios), “is that person a woman?” (Accenture) and “are you serious about those sales goals” (Lady Footlocker). I’ve learned at least three valuable lessons on interviewing: 1) don’t start negotiating the price of beer until you’ve asked if it’s OK to drink at work, 2) refer to a coworker as a “being” or “entity” before you incorrectly guess gender, and 3) never start a question with the phrase, “are you serious“. “are you serious” is something you ask after hearing ‘peanut butter and onions taste good’, not ‘can I trust you for management?’.

Those questions are, however, minor compared to my worst example, submitted at Comp USA while interviewing for a security guard position. During that incident, two managers, after detailing the job and the sorts of theft I was expected to reduce, turned to ask if I had any “preliminary questions”. “yeah”, I responded, “is it important to be on time?”. You are never talking to the right man if he reacts to your proposal with “is it important to be on time?” I wouldn’t even give a baseball ticket to someone who asked that question, let alone hire the guy. Worse yet, was my attempt to recover the conversation with a flagrant, nonsensical lie:

“any preliminary questions?”
“yeah, is it important to be on time?”
“ah”.. (silently looks at the other manager, stunned).. “ah- well, of course.”
“good- that’s exactly what I wanted to hear”.

Nobody asks if it’s important to be on time, hoping to hear ‘yes’. Typically, you want to hear a response like, “well, I guess I could find someone else to help me move” or “I suppose I can just pay for a cab to the airport“. Furthermore, no employee should be testing his managers for the right answer while interviewing for a $7 an hour job that comes with a mall discount. You can probably skip the cunning mind games if your job requires a deposit for the uniform.

08/12/2006
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