We have been silent too long. It is time finally, to take a stand. For years and years we have tried to ignore it, hoping, wishing, praying, that it would go away. But its getting worse. Its getting worse everyday. I am speaking, of course, of the Chinese/Thai restaurant fascination with having aquariums filled with the ugliest creatures in the world.

Why would you want your retsaurants to have aquariums filled with some of God’s most vile creatures? (Their vileness is why they were hurled into the middle of the ocean and not placed on land where the pretty creatures are. The ocean is God’s basement, where the mutants and the mistakes live.) And how does it help their business to have ugly bug-eyed cancerous fish staring at their patrons while they try to enjoy their asian delights? Do they think that having grotesqueries staring at their patrons will somehow convince us to return? “Let’s go to Thai Spicy.” “No. We’re are going to EnThaiCe. They have a fish there that will give you the opposite of an erection.”
I walked into one thai place to find the most evil damned-to-hell beast I have ever seen. It was gold colored, but massive. I mean MASSIVE. With eyes like satanic sores that popped 2 inches out of either side of its fiendish skull. I sat down to eat and looked up to see this hellreaver staring right back at me. Right back. At Me. And it wouldn’t look away. Literally sent a chill down my spine. I tried to ignore it to no avail. This is the conversation I had with the fish in my head:

Me: “Oh. errrr…. Hi.”
Evil Ugly Fish: “Fuck you.”
Me: “Excuse me.”
EUF: “You heard me. Go fuck yoruself.”
Me: “I’m sorry. This is a misunderstanding. I’m just here to eat my eg…”
EUF: “You think I give a fuck? Look at me. My eyes are 17 times the size they should be. I live in a 4 foot glass case with these little bozos and a plastic scuba diver perpetually trying to open a treasure chest. Do you, for one second, think I give a fuck?”
Me: “Right. Sorry. I have to go.”
EUF: “I will eat your soul!”

I believe that that is the invisible thing that fish are always always chewing on. Your soul. Anytime you look at a fish chewing nothingness, it is actually just a tiny little bit of your soul. Whoops. There goes your ability to smell rain. Look away. Too late. You can’t taste cotton candy anymore.

From now on, it’s take-out for me.

02/12/2006
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