So it looks like the Tribune Company is going to sell the Cubs. They’ve owned it since they bought it from the Wrigley family in 1981. And it also looks like a lot of local Chicago business owners and investors are willing to put in bids for as high as $600 million or more. Here are some of the people interested, according to the Tribune…

- Thomas Begel. 64 year old industrialist and private-equity investor. Founder of TMB Industries.

- Lou Weisbach. 58 year old founder of Ha-Lo Industries.

- Jim Anixter. 64 year old scion of a wealthy Chicago-area family. President of A-Z Industries.

- Eli Broad and Ron Burkle. Los Angeles billionaires.

- Larry Levy. Restauranteur.

- Michael Krasny. Billionaire founder of CDW Corp.

- Don Levin. Owner of the Chicago Wolves.

- Mike Bridenstine. Age 27. Thousandaire. Literally has thousands of dollars*.

* Not currently.

Okay, the Tribune didn’t mention me as a possible investor, but they should have. It’s that time of the month and this motherfucker just got paaaaid. So… toss my name into the hat. Look at these other guys. You really want them running the Chicago Cubs? Jesus no.

I should stop now, but I won’t. I guarantee there are hundreds of movie scripts about twenty somethings who stumble into ownership of the Cubs at the bottom of L.A. studio trash cans right as we speak. But I really think I’d be perfect for the ownership role. And I am willing to offer $200 for the franchise.

That’s right. Two hundred dollars. Like I said, I just got PAID.

Reason two; baseball owners are supposed to look like those black and white bow tied photos I’ve seen of Charles Comiskey and Willaim Wrigley. And I am prepared to dress like that. People will see my large bow tie and say “Muslim?” and I’ll say “No. Baseball club owner”.

Segue into number three; I will proudly rep my team. If they say “What team?” I’ll say “The Chicago Cubs. Thank you for asking”. That’s pride.

4. I’ve said this before. If the Cubs are out of contention by the All-Star break, I will banish the team to Schaumburg until the next season. People in Lakeview need to park their cars. Don’t like it, Schaumburg? Tough.

5. I will run that team like Caligula. My extravagence, eccentricity, depravity and cruelty will know no bounds. I will make it my goal to have someone from within my own ranks assasinate me. These other clowns trying to invest in the team have legitimate businesses and a name to maintain. I could fucking care less. I will rule with an iron fist. You will forget you ever heard about George Steinbrenner or Mark Cuban. You might not even know who those people are now. Exactly. You’re picturing me weilding my unchecked power and you like it. The Red Sox just paid $51 million for the rights to talk to some Japanese pitcher? Great. I’ll pay 52 to have the yakuza murder him. “But the Red Sox aren’t even in the National League.” Keep your mouth shut. They got to win the World Series in 2004. What’s that like? I wouldn’t know. Murder. People in Chicago will be talking about me for years.

$200, Tribune Company. Take it or leave it. That’s all I can afford right now.

29/11/2006
RSS 2.0 / trackback