This coffee shit is GREAT!! Swear to god, up until last month, I never drank it. Tried it. Hated it. Too much aftertaste. But now… I’ve reinvented myself. And several useful household appliances, as well as a hybrid engine for 18 wheel cargo vehicles. That’s how I talk now too. I call everything by the title with the most possible syllables. Because I can. Thanks to coffee, now I have the energy. I can’t believe who I used to be. What I used to be. A zombie. An unproductive, non-liver. A floater. A drifter. A blinker. A closed for repairs, empty and broken down imagination station. Cheating myself out of life. Cheating myself out of the sweet, rich, powerful power that pours hot and steamy from the mouth of the volcano of assisted living and stimulated effort. FUCK YEAH, BRING IT!
Everything has changed.

I now realize why Starbucks is so successful. I used to wonder why people would pay $4 for something that I could equivocate to a cup of cocoa. I loved hot cocoa. Used to say, “cocoa’s way better than coffee”. No it’s not. Coffee is the reason people keep jobs. Coffee is the reason people have jobs. Coffee raises children. Coffee is 2,000 friends on myspace. Coffee planted a flag on the moon. Coffee should be on our flag. How is coffee not on our flag?! Our flag should be a picture of Columbia, holding a cup of coffee.

Coffee is the reason. Coffee is the game, and the rules for the game, and the game is named coffee… and I’ve been on the sidelines this whole time. Not to mention how much more you can eat if you drink coffee with your meals. I’d pay $40 for coffee. Or at least I’d buy $40 worth of breakfast food just to watch coffee work. I can eat enough to hurt myself. I used to have to sleep off my days digesting the special + two sides of sausage and other people’s pancakes. Now I just drink a cup of coffee and I’m ready for a burrito in an hour and a half. That’s right, not only does coffee relax your stomach and speed up your metabolism, it also makes you crave Mexican food. Coffee is the best.

I’m nervous though. Not from the coffee. But because I want to be able to drink it black. Right now I can’t do that. It’s a little chalky. The level of addiction is not yet to where the sweet signal of raw black caffeine overpowers the relationship between my olfactory system and the pleasure centers in my brain. I know that if I’m ever going to get to drinking coffee black, it’s going to take 4, maybe 5, cream-softened, sugar-bottomed cafes a day for a couple months first… and then I’m in trouble.

Nothing this good can be this easy. There has to be a cost. Nothing so good and true and innocent such as coffee will just let you have it. There must be a give and take. The relationship must be two sided. Coffee gives you life, and you give coffee what it needs. A familiar mug with Teflon siding and altitude proof trail top; the first hour and fifteen minutes of every work day; Heart palpitations; The emotional well-being and self-respect of your least liked office mate; An espresso machine for Christmas; A couple hobbies; One car accident a year; your breath; a TV in your office so you have something to do during the time that you used to spend being distracted.

I’ll do anything.
Anything. I want in.
I’m sorry it took me so long. I’m not afraid. I’m in.
At least until I start drinking energy drinks.

23/11/2006
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