by Movie Star Tom Berenger with Mike Burns

(In this new feature, Movie Star Tom Berenger looks back at his career in the biz and shares some of his favorite moments with the fans.)

‘83 was a real big year for Movie Star Tom Berenger. I was 34 years old and built like a t-bone steak. Things were lookin’ mighty fine. “The Big Chill” was bringin’ a little bread in, which weren’t too bad seein’ as it was a trim flick. Then “Eddie” (Eddie and The Cruisers) came out around same time. Between the gals, the (makes a snorting sound), and, well, the gals, I couldn’t a been flyin’ higher.

But somethin’ has always been eatin’ at Movie Star Tom Berenger. See, when I was doin’ the “Eddie” job, me and Pants (Joe Pantoliano) had this running bet goin’. First one to bag Barkin (Ellen Barkin) got a 6-pack of domestic and the use of the other’s boat for the weekend. And you could bust that son-of-a-bitch up all you wanted to and the other fella would just have to clean up the booze and screw stains his own damn self. Neither one of us got to put it to Barkin before the end of the job. That broad musta had some religious problem or somethin’ ’cause Movie Star Tom Berenger sure as hell ain’t no fag. Although I think Pants mighta nailed a few guys here or there. Any man who wears a rug musta taken a poke at another fella’s p.u. at least a coupla times.

Anyway, a few years ago, I ran into Barkin at a fundraiser for some poor black kids or somethin’ and me and her ended up gettin’ hot and heavy in the john. I rang up Pants from a pay phone afterward to close the deal, but he was a real hotshot on that I-talian HBO program and wouldn’t take my call. I never got the 6 of suds or the boat weekend. Which woulda been kinda nice, since I lost my Bayliner to Nolte in a card game back in ‘96.

Oh, and if you’re lookin’ for some details on the action with Barkin, all I got to say about that is, “mashed potato ass” is the new “cottage cheese thighs”. Swell gal though.

I’m Movie Star Tom Berenger.

16/11/2006
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