by Jared Logan, Blerds Cartographer

Technically, This is Forbidden

Hey, the writers here at Blerds.com have been told several times not to use our blogs for mundane personal business, but my Craigs List ad hasn’t been drawing any attention so I’m forced to bring my business here.

Sorry, okay?  Sorry I broke a goddamn rule. 

I’m Looking to Buy a Globe!

Anyway, I’m looking to buy a globe.  I’m going on a trip around the world and I’m in the market for a globe to help me find my way around.  I want one with all the countries and continents on it.  I bought a globe without Europe on it one time.  That was embarrassing because I got really lost and when I finally stopped to ask directions people kept telling me, in various languages, “You’re in Europe.”   And I just kept looking at them like they were stupid. 

“By Europe,” I kept telling them, “I assume you mean Tunisia?”

Must Have Every Single City On It

This is a key point: The globe I’m looking to buy must have every single city in existence clearly marked on it.  I hate it when I’m travelling and I’m looking for a certain city, like Coventry, Rhode Island, and I can’t find it on my globe!  It’s soooooooooooooo -soooooooooo frustrating!  So just to be clear: the globe you sell me must have every single city in the world on it.

I’ve had people tell me this isn’t possible or that the globe would have to be bigger than a house.  Some people have told me it might be possible if we covered the globe with microscopic writing that could only be viewed under a special microscope in laboratory conditions.

Highlight the Cool Countries

If the globe had some way of letting me know which countries are the real hot-spots, the cool countries to hang out in, that would be great.  Maybe the globe you want to sell me even has a little blurb on each of the countries written on there to let me know what to expect.  That would be great.  Maybe there’s even a little space for a photo of the country.  You know, so I’m sure I’m not visiting an ugly country. 

You ever get really drunk and then wake up the next morning in an ugly country?  That’s the worst.  I got hammered on my 32nd birthday and woke up in Chad.  The bed-face on Chad is not a pretty sight!

Up to Date

Please make sure that the globe is up to date before you sell it to me.  I’m in the market for a new globe because the last one I bought was really out of date.  I didn’t realize it until I got it home and noticed that it was actually a Babylonian clay tablet dating from 600 B.C. that depicted the city of Babylon as the center of a flat earth inside a circle that was itself encompassed by a seven-pointed star.

No Patriotic Globes

Don’t sell me one of those globes that are really popular right now that have the United States depicted at three times its actual size, controlling sizeable chunks of Korea, China, Germany, and the Middle East.  I saw one of these that actually contained a fictional continent in the middle of the Pacific called Freedomland, also controlled by the U.S.  This globe was owned by a White Supremacist in Alabama that explained to me that Freedomland is “where we’re gonna send all the undesirables once we build it.”

“Once you build a continent?” I asked him.

“Yeah” he said.

Must Be Electronic

I get really tired of spinning globes.  Make sure the globe you’re trying to sell me has a button I can push that makes it spin.  A remote control would be even better.

I’ll Pay Cash!

I’m looking to spend somewhere between $700 and $15,000 on this globe.  I will pay cash.  Contact me through Blerds.com if you have a globe you want to sell me that matches the description above.

Or send a letter to this address

Jared Logan

c/o Blerds.com 

The Marsky-Warner Commerce Compound on State St.

1441 S. Michigan Ave.

Ste. 4207

Chicago, IL 60121

Thanks! and Happy Travelling!

…to me!

…I’m the one buying the globe.

12/11/2006
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