So I got great joy in Andy MacPhail stepping down as Chicago Cubs president and CEO. Good. But during his press conference, this guy actually says “The clock on the MacPhail-o-meter has run down to zero”.

Is this the worst way to resign you’ve ever heard? The MacPhail-o-meter? What are you - the Rob Shneider Copy Guy? “Takin’ Dusty Baker with me. The Dust Man. The Bake-Meister. Failin’ miserably. The Miserator. Fail-o-rama”.

Yes, I understand it’s in reference to Shawon Dunston’s ‘Shawon-o-Meter’. I don’t give a shit. Even if you’re the CEO of the Cubs, you should never reference Shawon Dunston in your resignation letter. “Dear Friends and Colleagues, today is my last day with the company. You chose Steve for the promotion over me and I think it was a poor choice… just like the Cubs taking Shawon Dunston first in the 1982 draft instead of Dwight Gooden. In this case, I am Dwight Gooden. The awesome Dwight Gooden of ‘84-’90. Not the cracky Dwight Gooden from the late ’90’s.” You can’t do it. It’s just a poor move.

When I quit my current job, I’d like to say that the ‘Brido-Meter’ is down to zero. Then look them dead in the eye and say “But the ‘Quit-Gauge’ is at an all-time high. The ‘Exit-Scope’ is reading ‘full steam ahead’”.

Mostly, I just feel bad for MacPhail’s real fans - the kids. How hard it must be for little boys and girls all over Chicagoland and beyond to hear that the ‘MacPhail-o-Meter’ has run down to zero. They’re going to have to take down all of their Andy MacPhail posters and feel stupid for wearing all of their Andy MacPhail merchandise. What do we tell the children?

There is no joy in Mudville, the MacPhail-o-Meter has run down to fucking zero.

08/11/2006
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