by Jared Logan, Blerds Gravitas Consultant

We spend a lot of time being pretty darn silly here at Blerds.com. Hell, you should see our office. It’s wacky as all get-out. We have a Garfield telephone and a lamp shaped like a naked lady. We’re constantly wearing hilarious over-sized sombreros and you never know when a water balloon fight is going to break out. Whoah! Hey Rob! Put that rubber chicken down, you bozo! I’m trying to get some writing done over here. Jeeeeez!

See what I mean?

Personally, I think it’s okay to be silly, but the other writers and I must always remember why we created Blerds.com: to promote and propagate our extremist political views, causing them to spread like a virus throughout a restless and spiritually bankrupt American proletariat.

To that end, what follows is a series of opinions that I, Jared Logan, have approved for use by our Blerds.com audience. Borrow these opinions and pass them off as your own. Force these opinions on others. If they refuse to agree, question their ethics. Attack unrelated lifestyle choices they have made. Insist that God is on your side. You may have to manufacture a book that “proves” it. Above all, never let your guard down (i.e. listen). Hammer away at the opposing side with fanatical fervor until they are too exhausted to care anymore. Only then will the Blerds Political Agenda finally wrest control of the country from the corporate fatcats and bloated bureaucrats in Washington.

Onward! May divine justice guide our righteous sword of truth!

ABORTION

Abortion should be illegal. I offer an alternative. We should take all unwanted babies and release them into the wild, where they will no-doubt be raised within an animal community of some sort, such as a herd of moose or a nest of Quail. In twenty years we would have thousands of real-life Tarzans! Does that sound like outrageous fun to anybody else?

After they have matured into adults we should bring these wolf-children back into our cities and train them to enforce the law in dangerous urban areas. Cities would need to provide plenty of vines for their Tarzan police forces to swing from. In this way, two problems are solved at once: the murder of helpless fetuses by godless “pro-choice” enthusiasts, and the high crime rate in our urban ghettos.

STEM CELL RESEARCH

It should be illegal to research or experiment on cells of any kind. “God made cells, and cells are swell!” should be our constant motto. Cells are created by God and are, therefore, perfect. Cells are above reproach and should not be experimented upon. We should support legislation that not only outlaws stem cell research, but also research on human cells. We should outlaw research on animal and plant cells. Children should not be told about cells until they are 18 years of age. We should also outlaw herpetology and gastro-endocrinology.

THE IRAQ WAR

People complain that the war is dragging on. The war is over. This is the rebuilding stage. It’s just taking a lot longer than it should to rebuild because the other side is currently still in their “blowing shit up with bombs” stage. It’s difficult to rebuild when you have people on the other side who keep blowing things up. Now, I know that the insurgents have been sent numerous memos explaining that the War is Over and we have moved from the fighting stage to the rebuilding stage, but they continue to drag their feet and procrastinate and are subsequently way behind schedule. What we need to do is put an American businessman in charge of the insurgents, let him restructure their organization along a western model and move them forward into the rebuilding stage. Then we can finally move into the “Peace” stage of the operation.

GAY MARRIAGE

The Bible says that God made Adam and Eve and both Adam and Eve each had a huge dick. And lo, God said “whoops!” and shot a lightning bolt from Heaven to cut Eve’s dick off. But Adam, wishing to protect Eve, jumped in front of the lightning bolt causing his own dick to be blasted off his body. And there was much frustration in Heaven. “Confound it!” said God. And he quickly took some scissors and cut Eve’s hair really short, plopped a long-haired wig on Adam’s head and sloppily applied some lipstick to Adam’s mouth. But it still didn’t look convincing. Eve’s bosoms continued to draw attention. “Maybe I should start over,” thought God. But instead he pulled Eve’s dick off, attached it to Adam, let Eve’s hair grow out again, hastily wiped off Adam’s lipstick and applied it to Eve’s mouth instead. “There,” said God, “Now don’t get confused about who is who.” Adam and Eve stared at each other, completely confused. “Just have sex with one another and procreate” commanded God. “But God,” said Adam, “What if I am attracted to other men like myself?” “Go for it,” said God, “What do I care? Your children are going to have to screw each other in order to propogate the species anyway.”

WHICH CAME FIRST, THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG?

This happened so long ago. Do we really care anymore? The important thing to remember is that Chickens are unclean animals and cause bad luck.

ILLEGAL DOWNLOADING

You wouldn’t steal a TV. You wouldn’t steal some jewelry. You wouldn’t shank a guy with a rusty broken-off pipe just so you could take his gold ring and pawn it for money to buy crack-cocaine.

But you WOULD borrow a friend’s CD or DVD and just never get around to giving it back. So go ahead and download pirated movies and music to your heart’s content. At least you’re not out on the streets killing people.
CONCLUSION

Conclusions are often awkward in a comedy piece because it is difficult to tie up a group of tenously-connected stupid jokes in one neat little paragraph. In addition, formal conclusions for any type of writing often have a cheesey “riding off into the sunset” tone to them that is irritating. Formal conclusionary paragraphs should be outlawed. Anybody who writes a formal conclusion to an essay or blog should have storm troopers tearing down his door, marching in and carrying him off to a camp where he jfa9 a

03/11/2006
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