One television tool that has lost some of its credibility through overuse, is its usage of subtitling for inaudible words. It used to be an imperative rare occasion where the text of dialogue was coupled with the shady footage being displayed to the viewers. The subtitling held an air of importance, it let the viewer know they were watching some serious shit. People were about to be arrested, and these words are exactly why they are going down. It became standard for fuzzy camcorder footage of FBI drug busts of senators, your standard spousal hiring a hitman that turns out to be a cop (whoops), and even blowing the lid off the overpricing at a Persian run electronic store. The words were typed out as a matter of evidence, court records almost.

Now, television’s use of subtitling has become the typed equivalent to the unsuspecting pie in the face. Some of the greatest shows in television history, “Joe Millionare” and “Surreal Life”, have succumbed to the subtitling pressure for the evidence gag. In a famous scene from “JM”, the dude with the perm took one of the gold digging skanks into the woods for some alone time, what took place there, remains highly controversial. It was reported that the whore might of used her mouth for things other than infuriating me. She denies any panky of the hanky activity, and Joe, like any good actor, never kisses and tells. Fortunately, the Fox cameras gave us some clues. The infa-green night footage, raspy audio of smooching and leaves and some highly studied sub titling. “Slurp, Slurp” we were given to help piece the story together. Nice. Its like an adult speak and spell. They should of typed out all of the sounds that were happening in the woods. Animals running by, “Bark, bark” goes the dog, “Hoo Hoo” goes the owl, and “slurp, slurp” goes the hoe.

At least there was a shred of investigation occurring with that use of subtitling, sadly VH1 can not say the same. During an initial episode of “Surreal Life 4 or whatever” the producers were trying to confirm the casts complaints of Shermen Helmsley’s lackadaisical attitude towards the house projects. While video of Helmsley eating cereal while the rest of the idiots planned a music video together might have accomplished that, VH1 thought the case needed extra evidence. Yes, we know he is eating cereal we can clearly see that, but what noise is he making? Is he faking to eat the cereal, in order to avoid Tawny Kittaen’s diva attitude? Nope. It’s right there on the screen for us, “Crunch. Crunch” Oh, its real alright, that motherfucker is eating that cereal! I read the “crunches”, there is no way he can deny it. Let the record show Mr. Jefferson you ate Honey Combs while C.C. Deville was planning his weather report.

30/10/2006
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