Dear Mike Tyson,

It’s me, America. I miss you. I really do. You were one crazy son of a bitch. Now I can’t seem to find you anywhere. Sure, every now and then ESPN will play “Mike Tyson’s Greatest Hits” and my friends will all call each other to make sure we’re all watching you kick the shit out of some mustached white guy in 1987. But that’s not enough, man. That was only part of your charm. It was after the fight, Mike. Or before the fight. Whenever. You would open your mouth and talk and the things you would say were so wonderful. Yeah, we made fun of your squeaky voice at first. But that was then. This is now. Remember what you said about your ex-wife, Robin Givens, and the Bronx Zoo?

“I paid a worker at New York’s zoo to re-open it just for me and Robin. When we got to the gorilla cage there was one big silverback gorilla there just bullying all the other gorillas. They were so powerful but their eyes were like an innocent infant. I offered the attendant $10,000 to open the cage and let smash that silverback’s snotbox! He declined.”

You said that shit! Where else am I gonna get that? Remember when you told some reporters “I want to throw down your kid and stomp on his testicles”? That was so fucking awesome. But now it’s 2006, bro. It’s almost 2007. Now we have things like blogs and online communities. It’s your chance to be heard again. Here’s my pitch, Mike; you need a podcast. Why go through all the red tape of terrestrial or satellite radio? You can be heard from your home, right in front of your computer. Nowadays, any maniac with a Mac or a PC with Internet connection can be heard. But you’re not just any maniac. You’re Mike Tyson. This would be huge for us. Remember when you said “I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating”? Well? This is your chance. Sell that shit out masturbating, Mike.

You don’t have to fade away into Bolivian. We want to hear about your pigeons growing up and your top “Most Rape-able” Hollywood actors and acresses. I’m sure I would tune in. I want to go to PodcastAlley and see you on top. Nobody would have shit on you. No way. This is my plea, Mike. Don’t let me down.

Sincerely,
The United States of America

23/10/2006
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