SUPERMAN VS. BATMAN

or

My Adolescent Power Fantasy vs. Your Adolescent Revenge Fantasy

by Jared Logan, Blerds Ennui Director

You’re either a Superman fan or a Batman fan.  Sure, some people like both but, generally, people tend to veer one way or another. 

And sure, some people like Spiderman.  But we all know Superman or Batman could kick Spiderman’s ass.

And sure, some people like Wolverine, but screw those people.  Nobody can kick Wolverine’s ass, so is he really a valid character?  I submit that he is way too fantastically invulverable to be included in any serious debate.

So generally, people tend to either like Superman or Batman, but not both equally.

(By the way, when I say ‘people’ I mean ‘men.’  And when I say ‘men’ I mean ‘man-children.’)

Superman or Batman.  It’s like The Beatles or Elvis.  Because the only way to decide which one is better is by having a long-winded, waste-of-your-goddamn-time conversation about which one could, objectively, kick the other one’s ass in a fight.

(I personally believe that Elvis could take down all four Beatles using his kung-fu.)

Superman or Batman?

In one corner, you have Superman.  He appeals to the optimist in us all.  Clad in bright (garrish?) primary colors, with his hair perfectly combed, standing tall, erect, and smiling on top of the Daily Planet, his presence seems to communicate, without saying a word, ”You’re okay by me, chum!” and “Buy War Bonds!”   Superman, who stands for Truth, Justice, and the American Way–three very relative concepts that people used to think were pretty cut-and-dry.  Superman, who shrugs it all off: depression, pain, poverty, bullets.  Superman is the favorite of dorks who believe that, deep down, people are really good and everything is going to turn out okay.  Superman fans believe in a world where a guy that has all of Superman’s powers would choose to help people, as opposed to setting himself up as the Big Money Gangsta of Planet Earth with all the soldiers, gold, drugs and bitches he could wave his lethally destructive fist at.

In the other corner is Batman.  Batman, who seethes with angst for the pessimist inside each of us.  Batman who crouches with the gargoyles, hunched, clad in blacks and greys.  His visage communicates, without saying a word, “a monster I am, lest a monster I become” and “If you need me I’ll be in my room, listening to rock ‘n roll with the lights off.” Batman fans know that, for most people, life is pain.  For example, your parents might get shot when you’re, like, nine years old and then you’ll have to spend the rest of your life following an excruciating training regimen in order to be able to defeat a legion of deadly psychopaths that will stab you, poison you, breack your back, and make you question your own sanity.  Batman fans think comic books are ‘gay.’  But Batman is cool because he doesn’t have any powers.  So he’s legit.

Who would win, objectively, in a fight?

Well, anyone who has read Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight Returns is inevitably going to bring up the now-infamous Kryptonite Gauntlets from that graphic novel. These were a pair of huge gloves constructed out of Kryptonite that Batman used to, in the parlance of our times, beat the living shit out of Superman.

Frank Miller, the writer of that particular piece, is a dour, humorless nerd who takes his own writing way too seriously.  He wrote the Sin City series which is at times brilliant and at other times dangerously mysoginistic and wrong-headed.  You have to wonder if you want to like a story that tries to illuminate the nobility of ripping off a man’s genitals to defend the honor of your stripper girlfriend.  It’s entertaining, sure.  But Miller will be the first to tell you that it is meant to be way more than entertaining.  It’s art.  Miller is what happens when a frat boy’s darkest demons merge with a dweeb’s wet dreams and then get a movie deal. 

Back to The Dark Knight Returns.  It’s kind of fascist/republican in a lot of places.  And you can’t tell if it’s satire or if Miller is kind of getting off on his own fascist fantasy. 

Based on these observations, I move that the Kryptonite gloves be removed from the debate on principle. 

In fact, let’s just dispense with the Kryptonite altogether.  Yes, Batman could get it.  He has the means.  Yes, he could find a clever way of delivering it to Superman’s system, whether that be a nano-hypodermic fired from a pocket-sized device or a mile-wide cloud of Kryptonite gas.  Yes, yes, yes.  And if you want to consider that to be a win for Batman, fine.  But I vote we just leave Kryptonite out of it.  I mean, it’s basically a deus ex machina for Batman in this fight.  If you’re a Batman fan and you think Batman needs Kryptonite to defeat Superman…then fine.  Batman wins.  With a cheap plot device.

However, if you really want to get down and dirty and talk real strategy, then let’s just drop the Kryptonite.

Without Kryptonite, Batman is obviously not strong enough to physically hurt Superman.  The Man of Steel is almost completely invulnerable.  Batman would have to attack Superman mentally or emotionally.  He would have to strike Superman’s only weak spot: Lois Lane.

Batman would never kill or hurt Lois Lane.  But could Batman/Bruce Wayne conceivably seduce and then bed Lois Lane?  Bruce Wayne is a millionaire playboy.  He is handsome, athletic, intelligent.  He is also a superhero and we know Lois Lane likes it when men where skin-tight lycra emblazoned with their coat-of-arms.   Plus, she may be convinced that she could never have sex or procreate with Superman…

– She could.  Superman would merely need to spend a week without contact from yellow sunlight in order to de-power himself.  Not very practical, but possible.–

With all that going for him, I believe Batman could get up close and personal with Lois Lane, thereby shattering Superman emotionally.

Superman’s only retaliation would be to somehow seduce and then sleep with Robin. 

Just kidding.  I don’t really cotton to any of that Dr. Frederick Wertham stuff.  Wertham was the quack who wrote a book in the 50s called Seduction of the Innocent.  The book claimed, among other things, that Batman and Robin were meant to depict a homosexual relationship.  And although it may seem that way at times, (Shortpants, Robin?  Really?) the accusation is a dumb one.

Only a repressed homosexual would find as many examples of implied homosexuality as Wertham did.  Here’s a hint: when you see homosexuality in every book you read…it’s time to go have sex with another man.  Because you’re really just hard-up for some homosexuality yourself.

Getting back to the Superman/Batman fight…Maybe Superman could use Wertham’s strategy.  Superman knows Batman as well as anyone.  A couple well-placed rumors here and there and suddenly Commissioner Gordon is asking “Exactly how old is Robin, Batman?”  Batman could find himself under investigation by HUAC.  His reputation would be ruined.  He would lose his Screen Director’s Guild card and live out the rest of his life in a trailer in the Nevada desert.

But see, Superman would never do that.  He would never do something so underhanded.  He’d never lie like that.  No, Superman prefers a fair one-on-one fight.  No sucker punches.  No tricks.   He probably prefers that kind of fight because it always puts him at a mind-bogglingly vast advantage.

Strategies Superman could use against Batman in a “fair” one-on-one fight include: 1) creating a vortex of wind with his hands that leaves Batman unable to walk or breathe.  2)Flying into the stratosphere, then targeting Batman from space and dropping on him at Mach 7, protected by a blazing shield of fire created by atmosphere re-entry. 3) Clapping his hands and stomping his feet to create concussive blasts of kinetic force that would pinpoint certain crucial joints in Batman’s body, fracturing them and leaving him a crumpled half-man. 4) Using his heat vision from a mile away to perform microsurgery on Batman’s brain and burn up his frontal lobe. 

To name a few.

So Superman would win in a one-on-one physical fight.  Batman would win in a fight where he could employ sneaky tricks like sexing Lois Lane, using Kryptonite, or rigging the Fortress of Solitude with a 700 Gigaton Atom Bomb.

And that’s why every nerd knows that the question you ask anytime you’re debating a scenario like this is: Does Batman have time to plan?

My final judgement?  Batman would win.  Even without time to plan.  I’m more of a Superman fan, but I think Batman would win the day.  Here’s how:

Superman is aiming his heat vision at Batman from orbit and is about sever all of Batman’s fingers or something equally insurmountable.  But Batman is smart enough to figure out he’s about to be decimated by Superman so he starts talking.  Even in the outer atmosphere Superman can hear him and Batman knows this.  Batman says “Look, spare my life and I’ll reveal how you can be intimate with Lois without killing her.”  Superman is intrigued, he flies down to have a talk with Batman.  “Just spend a week in this vault in my batcave and you’ll be depowered enough to make whoopy with Lois, Superman,” he says.  Superman agrees and Batman makes up his holding cell real nice for him.  Puts a big round bed in there, covers it in rose petals.  Gives him a bucket with two bottles of Champagne. Orders HBO. Gets Lois on speakerphone and gets her to agree to come over.  Superman is disarmed.  He is grateful to Batman for hooking him up like this.  Superman and Lois spend a week down there in the dark, out of the yellow sunlight.  They live and laugh and learn about each other.  They have a fabulous romantic vacation, culminating in a session of incredible love-making at the end of the week.  The earth moves. But not literally.  They really feel each other, you know?  They are so in love.  Then Batman walks in around Day 7 and beats the living shit out of de-powered Superman right in front of Lois’ eyes.

Batman always wins.  He always wins.  Against villains, in the box office.  (No chance of getting a Superman Returns sequel anytime soon.)  That’s why most people prefer Batman over Superman.

Me, I like Superman.  I root for the underdog.

22/10/2006
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