There once was a book store with a café inside where people comfortably ordered beverages and edibles to accompany the books and periodicals that they might purchase. On one particular autumn afternoon a young college student behind the counter blindly uttered a customer’s name.

“Stacey,” she said

“Yes,” replied a middle-aged college professor with curly brown hair and a red coat.

“I painfully regret having to tell you this,” the co-ed told the professor, “but I accidentally burned your bagel.”

“You did?” the professor asked with a plaintive lilt.

“Yes, I did,” replied the girl behind the counter whose name was Bonnie. Most customers thought her name was Suzie because she was a new employee and the store had not purchased a new name tag for her. At the same time, they could not allow a working employee to be without a nametag according to company policy. So they gave her someone else’s nametag who quit a few weeks earlier. Incidentally, the girl who quit had been borrowing that nametag as well. Her name was actually Heather.  

“Well, how badly is it burnt?”

“Frankly, it’s pretty bad,” Bonnie said in a considerate tone that she imagined Suzie would have used.

“Could I see it?” Stacey inquired.

“Uh, yes,” Bonnie said. “I guess there’s nothing wrong with that. But again I should warn you, it’s not a pretty sight. Are you sure you have the stomach for it?”

“I am pretty hungry,” Stacey said. “But I want to see it.”

“Follow me.”

Stacey walked behind the register and followed Bonnie behind the two silver double doors where she removed a cloth napkin to reveal an awfully burnt bagel.

“My god…”

“I told you, ma’m,” Bonnie said riddled with guilt. “Could I get you another bagel to replace it? Perhaps another Sesame bagel?”

“No,” Stacey replied. “I could never replace this one. Make it a poppy. For the love of God, make it a poppy.”

Interpreting the Allegory of the Bagel
 

Some scholars place the allegory of the bagel somewhere in the third century A.D. when it was told to tradesmen at annual conventions. Others place it in the early 1990s. While these competing theories continue to battle for legitimacy, the message, nevertheless, remains pervasive and potent for 8 percent of all Lithuanians. The story has been translated into 32 languages, 4 of which insist that the whole thing should be written inside parentheses.

First of all, make note of the dichotomous relationship presented by the two main characters. Bonnie is a college student and Stacey is a college professor. This is no accident. Bonnie knew that a college degree would increase her chances of getting a higher paying job and Stacey knew that her Ph.D. in Russian literature was best put to use in the context of a college classroom.

Stacey’s invocation of God’s name when insisting on a poppy seed bagel brings attention to a higher being. What type of omnipotent being would allow a breaded item to be overcooked? Depending on what theory you are following, it is either Jesus Christ or David Koresh. Either way, the fact of the matter is that God is everywhere. In this story, God is Suzie. Not the actual girl. Just the nametag.

Of course the sesame bagel does not actually represent a sesame bagel. It is a metaphor for a bran muffin. And the poppy seed bagel is supposed to be a corn muffin, which is actually a much better choice.

16/10/2006
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