Oh, first off, this blog isn’t about how I masturbate to the Psycho remake. I don’t even masturbate to the original Psycho. So if you are looking to read a blog about a person’s fondness for whacking off to Hitchcock classics or their soulless remakes, go elsewhere.

This blog is about how the Gus van Sant remake of Psycho is an exact shot by shot replication of the original Psycho. Exactly the same. The only single, difference is the addition of a masturbation scene.

That’s right.

The only thing different in the new one, is that now Norman Bates, on top of being a murderer and a mom impressionist, is also a filthy masturbator. He milks the lizard as he looks at his young hot motel stayer showering. Good. That’s exactly what Norman Bates character needed. He wasn’t fucked up enough. He also pokes holes in condoms at dept. stores and votes republican.
This is the conversation that led to this decision.

Producer: So you’re saying this new Psycho will be exactly the same as the old one.

Gus van Sant: Well, not exactly. There will be one more scene.

Producer: Oh cool. Will it be one that gives more insight into Norman Bates’ psychosis and delves deeper into the splintered psyche of an inhuman monster?

Gus van Sant: No. It’s a masturbation scene.

Producer: Lol ROTFLMAO

GvS: No really. He looks at this hot chick showering and totally spanks his monkey to it.

Producer: Why?

GvS: Well I really think the original Psycho is a good movie, it really is. But I think it’s lacking…

Producer: A masturbation scene?

GvS: Yes. Think about it. Hitchcock would have wanted it. The word “cock” is in his name. So is the word hitch. He’s trying to tell us something. Hitchcock. No hitch with a cock. No hitch making this movie long as you film a scene with a cock being stroked.

Producer: Wow. Why even remake the movie if its shot by shot the same? Isn’t that kind of like retyping, say, Great Expectations and saying you rewrote it? Why not just not make the movie?

GvS: But then where would I put the masturbation scene?

Here are some other classics that would be totally better with a masturbation scene.

Casablanca: Humphrey Bogart is totally going to get the girl. He is going to ask her to stay, he is going to tell the lame Nazi fighter to fuck off, and she is going to stay with him. forever. Right before he goes over to tell her, he decides he needs a clean head. He pushes aside his glass of whiskey and tugs one off to the thought of her. Suddenly he is disinterested in women. Tells her to fuck off. Regrest decision in exactly 25 mins, the approximate refractory period of the average male.

ET: Elliot looks at the alien’s wrinkly penis body and thinks of his own penis. He gently touches it. Has first orgasm. Decides saving aliens is for gays. ET gets kidnapped and tortured for several years. He dies in 1992.

Schindler’s List: Awww come on now. That’s sick.

16/10/2006
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