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| Some friends have recently experimented with online dating, to huge success. They’ve met –exclusively– fun, attractive, and normal people, with some of the relationships even leading to marriage. And, while the format is chiefly honest, Internet dating is a bit like creating a resume- you won’t simply *make up* a previous job, but you will definitely describe the real ones with thirty times the success and importance they truly contained. So, here’s my fake, online profile, along with a discussion of the features found in most dating sites, as shared by my friends. |
| I can’t believe I’m doing this! |
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Hi, my friends describe me as fun, laid back and smart. I’m shy at first, but really talkative once you get to know me. I just moved to Chicago and am really only looking to meet new people, but, if Mrs Right comes along, that’s great too! Send me an email if you like to laugh or just hang out.
| Hobbies: |
Running, Biking, Traveling |
| Looking For: |
Straight woman, age 20-35 |
| Drinking: |
Social |
| Income: |
I’ll tell ya later |
| Attend Religious Services: |
Occasionally |
| Political View: |
Liberal |
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• Picture: every guy, in an online dating photograph, is at a wedding with his arms wrapped around the upper, 1/3 of his exgirlfriend’s shoulder, who couldn’t have been removed more obviously if the guy used White Out. Most ransom notes are edited better then these pictures, which usually leave enough room to even rate the girl’s dress. Yet, some how, the guy never mentions his missing date, even though it’s plainly seen by all viewers. He’s like a mother that keeps repeating “just ignore him” while your little brother spins in circles on the ground with no pants- it can’t be ignored! The first line of every dating profile should not be, “I love dancing and new experiences- want to start one?”. It should be, “the woman who was clearly erased from that photograph is crazy. I left her after she insisted I learn yoga”.
Why do guys still use photographs that flagrantly contain an exgirlfriend when courting new women? Because they have no choice. I, for example, am 30 years old and own less photographs then most Mafia bosses. Plus, of the few pictures I own, only the ones with Jessica could ever be used for a dating website. All of my other photographs were either taken by my mom at an Easter Egg hunt in 1982 or at bachelor party in Vegas. While using a photograph that contains Jessica’s elbow might be awkward (if I were to become single), it beats the image of me pretending to slow dance with a keg- or dressed as an Ewok from Halloween ‘84. In fact, the pictures owned by most guys are so shoddy that women should immediately dismiss any man with a perfectly focused, individual headshot since it surely implies the man is either overly dramatic (actor), vain (model) or asinine (comic). A women could spend her whole profile talking about her cats, and probably waive a smaller, red flag then a guy with a good photograph.
• Survey: I have no idea why dating services even bother with a survey since no one answers them honestly. Online dating is –in a country with a 70% obesity rate– the only place where everyone exercises. Chicago was recently named “America’s Fattest City”, yet I guarantee each user on ChicagoSingles.com lists “biking” as one of his/her first three hobbies. I would have to satisfy every resolution I’ve ever made, in order to fulfill most dating surveys- where everyone is just a “social” drinker and attends Church at least once a month. Sites like Match.com probably don’t even offer responses that can approximate my lifestyle. I doubt Yahoo Personals has a drop down value for, “I gasp heavily after a single flight of stairs“; “I go to mass when a cousin gets married“; or “I only leave the house to return movies“.
The most evasive answers, however, involve political convictions, rather then exercise habits or personal income. Guys, on the dating sites my friends have shared, would sooner admit to being married then a being Republican. Republicans have won the last ten Congressional sessions, yet every dude on Match.com describes himself as “pretty liberal”. Apparently everyone wants lower taxes and a larger army when voting, but, when looking to score, it’s time to end poverty and improve healthcare. If Kerry just spent ten minutes on Yahoo Personals, he could have won the election with a new slogan like, “Democrats: because chicks will think you care” or “No girl gives her number to a gun owner- vote Democrat.”
• Age: women, in online dating, typically insist that a man be no more then three years younger. Every guy’s interest starts at 20- no matter how old he is. You could fit the entire history of a small town into the age range specified by most guys on match.com. Why do men specify such a wide range- not because we long for women half our age, but because, in my view, we really have no idea how old we are. Rod Stewart, for example, truly believes he’s dating someone own his age- I guarantee it. Or consider my previous night: I got drunk at a place with a free “taco bar” and then climbed a statue for $10- does that sound like a man who knows he’s 30? I’ve seen my uncles, who all carry “Senior Discount” cards, try to form a human pyramid before a Browns game. Why does a bank manager, who’s only five years away from retirement and owns a “trick heel”, demand that everyone kneel on his back? Because, after eating three hotdogs and tapping the pony keg, he truly believes that we are all about 18 months removed from highschool. Has anyone ever been to a Coyote Ugly franchise- it’s exclusively supported by bachelor parties and the drunkest guy is always a groom’s father who’s five minutes away from riding the mechanical bull and insisting the waitresses spray him with the water gun. It’s not that he wants to be young, it’s that he thinks he’s young. I was acutely aware of my age when I turned 21, since then it’s been like reverse dog years, were I think I’m only three months older, for every one year of time. At this rate, I’ll probably become a stunt man at fifty, promising to start, “while I’m still young enough to heal fast”.
by Sean Flannery
23/09/2006
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