Yesterday, our boss here at Blerds.com, Mr. Helbert J. Hawkins, gave a speech. Some of us were out of the office so Mr. Hawkins asked if I wouldn’t mind posting a transcript of his speech on the website so that those of us that weren’t there would hear what he had to say. You got it, Mr. H! What follows is a transcript of the speech our boss gave yesterday. Pay close attention fellow Blerds!

Ahem.

Aheh-heh-hem!

Aheh-heh-heh-heh-henh-heh-hem!

Okay. Everyone pay attention.

Pay attention, Everyone. Everyone! Blerds!

Blerds! Pay attention! PAY ATTENTION!

LISTEN UP! CUT THE CHATTER! PAY ATTENTION!

HELLO? HELLO? I’M OVER HERE! DON’T ACT LIKE YOU CAN’T SEE ME! I’M RIGHT HERE!

GODDAMMIT! GODS-FUCKING-DAMMIT! WILL YOU PLEASE PAY ATTENTION, FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST!

I WILL TAKE AWAY YOUR LUNCH! I WILL REPEAL YOUR LUNCH HOUR! I CAN DO THAT! I WILL–GODDAMMIT! YOU LITTLE SHITS! LISTEN TO ME!!! LISTEN TO ME, PLEASE!!!

I OWN YOU, YOU LITTLE SHITS! DON’T THINK YOU CAN IGNORE ME! YOU SHITS! YOU JOKERS! I SLEPT WITH YOUR WIFE, FLANNERY! ANYTHING YOU HAVE BELONGS TO ME, BLERDS! I RUN THIS CIRCUS, YOU COCK–

Oh.

Oops.

Sorry, I was standing in my office with the door closed. That must have been why you couldn’t hear me.

Okay. Is everybody here? Paying attention? Good.

I’ve noticed that our numbers are dropping, so I just wanted to call this meeting to make a few small changes.

From now on, instead of writing comedy blogs and making funny videos we’ll be selling lawn furniture over the internet.

This is the Deckmaster 34-2900. This is our flagship item. The next generation of patio lounger. It’s made of a space-age polymer that mildew can’t adhere itself to. Also, it’s virtually unbreak–

WHOAH! Don’t sit on it! That’s a prototype.

The boys in R&D are still working out the kinks. Right now it causes stomach tumors. If you sit in it. So…you guys just get to work on selling these units and myself and R&D will make sure these babies are ready to ship by Monday.

A couple other small changes. I need–

Mr. Bridenstine. What the fuck do you think you’re doing? Are you getting a cup of coffee? Really? REALLY?!?

PUT. THE COFFEE. DOWN. Coffee’s for closers.

That’s it. Put it down.

Logan, give me the coffee.

Thank you.

Mmm. What is this? The french blend? Tastes like there’s nutmeg in this or something.

Anyway. Where was I?

Oh yes. A couple more small changes… I’ve been taking on a lot of responsibilities here and my duties are expanding, so I’m going to be enlarging my workspace. So, I’m going to need some of you to move your desks out into the hall. This…well this floor is going to be my office now. So, I guess I’ll need all of you to just work out in the hall or in the stairwell. Holmes, you can have the elevator.

No, don’t move your desk into the elevator, Holmes. I meant that I’m demoting you to Elevator Operator. Repeat after me “What floor please?”

I’m giving your old job to this epileptic dachshund I saved from an animal shelter. And I’ve hired this small Korean man to monitor the dachshund at all times and treat him when he has a seizure. Both the dachshund and the Korean man make three times your old salary. The dachshund’s name is Watson.

Sullivan, Brice aaaaand…What’s your name? Craig? I want to replace you three with robots, but I’m willing to give you a fair shot at keeping your jobs. Tomorrow, you three will compete against these three robots in a Field Day. There will be a potato sack race, an obstacle course, tug-of-war and a talent competition. I wish the rest of you could come and watch this, but I need you here in the hallway selling patio loungers. Maybe I’ll send a memo letting you know how it turned out.

Dr. Jin! How’s my little friend Watson doing? Splendid! Just checking in! Give him a doggy treat for me.

Also, we’re cutting costs around here, so instead of pens we’ll be using pencil leads intended for use in mechanical pencils. These require a delicate touch, so be careful. If you break one it’s coming out of your salary.

And the printer’s down, so when you write something in Word you’re going to need to just copy it down by hand onto this construction paper.

Finally, there have been some accusations that I’ve been cooking the books, skimming a little off the top, taking an extra cut from the company till. These rumors are untrue. The truth is, I’ve had to give myself what I call “temporary raises” or “spontaneous bonuses” on certain occasions in order to pay some outstanding debts to a drug dealer named Danny Monterey. But fear not, all of the money coming and going is being closely monitored by our new friend Watson the Dachshund! Hello, Watson! Hello my little pretty one! Hello my precious thing! You’re such a cutie patootie! Yes you are! Yes you–

OH GOD! DR. JIN! HE’S SIEZING! DO SOMETHING! OH NO! WATSON! HOLD ON! DON’T LOSE HOPE!

That was the important part of the speech. The rest was just a lot of crying, screaming, holding the dog in his arms and singing hymns, and then taking the day off.

See you all at work tomorrow!

22/09/2006
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