I always told my daughter Emily, that it would never happen, but it did. On
a beautiful afternoon in the month of May, the dark lord himself, Satan,
fucked me in the sound horn. I drank a bottle of Coca-Cola Blak. Well,
actually half a bottle, but it felt like he stuck the whole thing in. And I
understand how some people are like, “Well, you bought it, you must have
wanted it.”

No, I didn’t want this.

NO ONE could ever want this.

Ever go on a breakfast date with a man who seemed new and refreshing, but
then you made the mistake of taking him home to pleasure his peen and it
turns out to be a tube of lye coated with earwax, battery acid, and the
flesh from Strom Thurmond’s corpse?

Because if you did, I hope you got an omelette with lobster and goat cheese.
And a short stack. And three bloodys. With home fries. The whole
she-bang. A PRIMO breakfast. Because if you didn’t, some one owes you a
decent meal.

Some slogans for Coca-Cola Blak that never made the cut, but were seriously
considered:

“Coca-Cola Blak. It’s like cancer, but in the bad way.”

“Coca-Cola Blak. As delicious as being run over by a combine.”

“Ever drink Scott Weiland’s dehydrated piss after he’s been on a 2-month
drug bender in 1998? Coca-Cola Blak. It’s like drinking Scott Weiland’s
dehydrated piss after he’s been on a 2-month drug bender in 1998.”

“Coca-Cola Blak. It’s pure ass cut with hate.”

“Coca-Cola Blak. Fuck that shit. Please don’t buy our horrible product.”

Now, my sweet Emily has to watch daddy throw up 6-times a day and he can’t
go to work because he can’t get himself clean enough to go outside. Good
thing kids are resilient. She’s my sweet angel, but her Daddy’s a shell. I
had to quit coaching her t-ball team and it looks like I won’t be making it
to her kindergarten graduation. Coca-Cola Blak. It’s the taste of a broken
man and a scarred child. She thinks her Daddy’s a liar for all of his
broken promises saying that he wouldn’t let Lucifer shove his pleasure steel
into his mouth. I just hope she can learn from this.

Dedicated to Emily, who passed away from a delusional rage I had after
consuming “Duracell Battery Energy Drink With Taurine.”.

Trial pending.

20/09/2006
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