What follows is the text of an actual religious tract that I found on the ground.

YOU ARE DAMNED TO HELL!!
If you insist on living a life of iniquity and perversion, like so many Americans, an un-ending afterlife of perpetual torment awaits you!
AM I LIVING A SINFUL LIFE?
Yes. You are. Definitely. Definitely. Answer the following questions:
a.) Do you own a television? (_) YES (_) NO
b.) Do you eat meat? (_) YES (_) NO
c.) Do you talk to people, other (_) YES (_) NO
than your own family?
d.) Do you enjoy laughing? (_) YES (_) NO
e.) Is your body covered in (_) YES (_) NO
satanic tattoos?
f.)Do you stare at your genitals (_) YES (_) NO
in the mirror?
g.)Do you have the Witch’s (_) YES (_) NO
Mark? (a birthmark.)
h.)Can my friend Scott come (_) YES (_) NO
over? (Scott might be gay.)
i.) The Beatles or Elvis? (_)Beatles (_) Elvis
j.) Have you ever copulated for (_) YES (_) NO
non-procreational purposes?
SEE?
If you answered YES, BEATLES or ELVIS to any of the previous questions, you are fated to burn in hell for all eternity. IT’S A SCIENTIFIC FACT!
HELL EXISTS!
In a recent expedition to Antarctica, a team of scientists dug a hole in an attempt to study the geological strata of that continent. What they found instead was HELL! After digging 1000 feet into the earth (the deepest hole ever dug) their drills reached a hollow area inside the earth. Wisely, the scientists decided to drop recording equipment into the hole to see if they could hear anything. This is what they heard when they listened to the recordings later, back at their scientist base.

ACTUAL TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO RECORDING 71-A13 ICE STATION ALPHA GEOLOGICAL EXPEDITION.

VOICE 1: (Geologist Dr. Kurt Hamstra) Okay! Lower it into the hole!
(twenty minutes of scraping sounds as audio recorder is lowered into the rocky pit)
(fourteen minutes of silence as recorder is lowered into an open area)
(low high-pitched screaming sounds)

(loud screaming, begging for mercy, the roar of flames, evil laughing)
VOICE 2: (unknown) No! Please! Please don’t torture me anymore!! I’ll be good! I’ll live a good life! I accept Jesus now! I accept Jesus into my heart!
VOICE 3: (unknown) HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! IT’S TOO LATE! I’M A DEMON AND YOU’RE IN HELL!! YOU SHOULD HAVE ACCEPTED JESUS WHILE YOU HAD THE CHANCE! NOW I’M GOING TO PULL YOUR ARMS OFF AND FEED THEM TO YOU!
VOICE 2: No! Please! Don’t feed me my own arm—AAAAAUGH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!! You tore my arms off! Why would you—AUGFFFMMFLRRF! MMMMMMRRRFFF! ARRFFFFFFF! MMMMMMMF!!
VOICE 3: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You thought life was a party, so you drank and smoked and did drugs all day long! Well, now you’re in hell and I’ve stuffed your own arms into your mouth! What a brutal yet poetic punishment!
VOICE 4(unknown): Frank, you’re an idiot, that’s not poetic at all!
VOICE 3: I don’t remember asking you, Kyle! Thanks for the critique, though. Don’t you have a load of hot coals to deliver over to the seventh circle?
VOICE 4: Yeah…
VOICE 3: Then get on it! Trying to tell me how to do my job…
VOICE 2: Hffffh, wfffths thfft? Augh Tfffp rrrrcrrdrrff?
VOICE 3: What? What are you saying? I can’t understand you with your arms in your mouth. Here.
VOICE 2: Pffffah! Fah! Thanks. I said: Hey, what’s that? A tape recorder?
VOICE 3: Where?
VOICE 2: Hanging above your head from that cable!
VOICE 3: Hey! You’re right! Grab it! Quick!
(Shuffling sounds as if several people are grabbing for tape recorder)
VOICE 3: (farther away) Hey! They’re reeling it back up!
(14 minutes of silence)
(20 minutes of scraping sounds as recorder is pulled from hole.)
HELL EXISTS! THE PROOF HAS BEEN SHOWN FOR ALL TO SEE!
Repent now, Sinner and Sweet Jesus may have mercy on you and grant you a reprieve.
BUT PROBABLY NOT.

Check one of the boxes below:

DO YOU ACCEPT JESUS AS YOUR HEAVENLY LORD AND RISEN SAVIOR?
( ) YES ( ) NO, I PREFER ENDLESS TORMENT

( ) I NEED TO READ THIS PAMPHLET ONCE MORE BEFORE I MAKE A DEFINITE DECISION.

Now that you know the facts, we hope you made the right decision.

15/09/2006
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