Here are this weeks headlines and my take on each one

*NASA to try for shuttle launch on Friday

If you want to strap me to a couple of rockets and shoot me into space, you’ve got to do a whole lot better than “try.” Trying is something you do with foods you’ve never tasted. I’d like to think you give a lot more effort when it comes to space flight.

*Iran remains defiant on nuclear deadline day

Okay class, now remember; tomorrow is gum day, Thursday is camera day, and Friday is nuclear deadline day. Be on time, and be defiant.

*Anger speeds up deterioration of lungs – study

After reading this I was so furious I took two bong hits to calm my nerves and then burned through a pack of cigarettes to ease my anxiety.

*Grass admits tough time since Nazi confession

Your parents were right. Not only does grass kill your ambition and deteriorate your short-term memory, it has ties to the Third Reich.

*Rural towns showcase history to draw tourists

Some towns have giant theme parks and world class shopping, so what? Here in Sumner, Nebraska we have the site of the Bloody Turnip Riot of 1806. Not good enough? Okay, how about a gas station that stands on the site of a former hotel where General William Tecumseh Sherman stayed for two days in 1852. That’s what I thought… Sumner, Nebraska.

*Starbucks sales eyed for spending trends

If you can afford five expensive cups of coffee every week that you probably don’t need, then we figure you can afford one expensive SUV every year that you really don’t need. It’s coffee economics.

*CBS magazine slims down Couric in photo

Unlike the rest of television, CBS’ cameras actually remove ten pounds.

07/09/2006
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