BLERDS

Gorilla Arms

by Dr. Jared Logan, Molecular Biologist and Genetic Theorist.

If I can give any meaningful advice to anyone at this stage in my life, that advice has to be:

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT use the DNAscent genetic modification procedures to graft two enhanced gorilla arms onto your body.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my 25 years of life, it has to be that developing a top secret genome modification technique involving cellular recombination and radiation therapy and then using that modification technique to graft two enormous gorilla arms onto your torso will not make you happy.

You might think it will, but it won’t.

Look, you might think spending your entire adult life fighting for grant money that you can funnel into your research on stem cell grafting at a microbiogenic level is a good way to spend your time. And you might be right. You may be making the right choice when you accept the offer from a mysterious government contractor, codename Hammurabi, who offers you unlimited funds in order to develop your break-thru genetic modification techniques for weaponized military purposes. That’s all fine and dandy.

But when you use yourself as a test subject and graft two gigantic gorilla arms onto yourself…that’s where you cross the line.

Yes, the arms work fine. They’re incredible, in fact. I’m able to complete tasks involving manual dexterity at twice a normal human speed because I have four arms (two human, two gorilla). My climbing ability and judo skills have increased ten-fold. My two additional arms respond to synaptic impulses with aple-like rapidity, and continue to maintain their original structural integrity, which means when using them I possess a gorilla’s strength. I can crush an enemy’s skull using my ape arms, and believe me, I have. But in the end, having two gorilla arms grafted onto your body just isn’t as great as it sounds. It’s not all wine and roses.

First, wouldn’t you know it, right after I attached the gorilla arms to my body I discovered that removing them would kill me.

The second thing I discovered is that women tend to shy away from me because I have two gorilla arms grafted onto my ribcage. I don’t know if they’re afraid or intimidated or– Well, okay, they’re obviously afraid. Horribly repulsed. They run from me shrieking. I can’t even hire the services of a prostitute with these gorilla arms of mine.

Ladies, don’t run away from me. These gorilla arms just help me give better hugs. These gorilla arms are more than just big hairy gorilla arms. They’re a badge of honor that prove that I have a brilliant mind and that I’m not afraid of hard work. Aren’t those desirable qualities in a potential mate? Also, I can use them to groom your hair for bugs and lice.

Whoops! See, there’s another downside to having grafted these gorilla arms onto my body. I now occasionally lose control and engage in gorilla-like behaviors such as combing people’s hair for bugs or flinging my own poo.

Augh! Aurgh! Augh!

See? There I go again. MUST. MAINTAIN. CONTROL. I am Dr. Jared Logan. I am a human being. I…am…a…human…being….dammit!

Okay. Back to normal.

Look, in the end you’re going to make your own choices and I won’t always be there when you make them. But if I can give you any one secret that might help you find your way down the road of life with as little sorrow and pain as possible it would be to warn you not to make the same mistake I did. You know, regarding the gorilla arms. Don’t give yourself a pair of gorilla arms.

Now, I’m going to power-up this here bio-grafting laser, and I’m going to aim it at my head and kill myself because I can’t live with these gorilla arms. And what a waste, right? What a waste of years of hard work. What a waste of a brilliant scientific mind. Top of my class at Harvard and all for what? For gorilla arms? It’s sad is what it is. Just sad. You see why you shouldn’t use science to play god and give yourself gorilla arms?

I think I’ve made my point.

Hey. Keep dreaming, dreamer. I’ll see you on the other side if my power-mad experiments don’t earn me a solitary place in hell.

Leave a Comment