By Lauren Bishop, Guest Contributor

Shucks, you got me!

Have a cookie, FBI. I mean really, give yourself a hug! You must be real proud of yourselves. You finally caught this old fart. Took you three years! Boy have I been living it up. Too much Taco Bell and cheap lap dances, truth be told. But tell me this – if you had 70 wives to rat you out, do you think you’d have lasted three years on the lam? I didn’t think so, pal. Tells you something about me, doesn’t it. That’s right: I’m a great lover. Smooth. Delicious. I think you just wanted to catch me to talk to me. To chat. Maybe over a donut. Can I still make donut jokes? Is that still in? I’ve been on the lam for three years, it might be totally passe by now. By the way, what’s a Sidekick? Being on the lam is tough!

But now that you have me where you want me (boy do I get to say that a lot when I’m at home!) I’ll tell you some secrets. It’s not easy being the world’s best polygamist. But here I am. Let me help you not be such a loser with the ladies.

1. Start a cult. Totally works. I called mine the Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints, but you can name yours “Less better than Warren Jeffs but still fly as shit” if you want or something else. Oh, and call yourself a prophet. Chicks eat that shit up. Jesus had the right idea, but he spent too much time with those fucking lepers. More ladies, less lepers. I mean, what, was Jesus a homo or what? Real men take women to bed, and by women I mean 16 year olds and all their sisters. Tasty treats for daddy!

2. Don’t stop at prophet. Make yourself President and Prophet, Seer and Revelator. That way if babes doubt you (as if!) and go to the President or Town Seer for advice, they come right back to you. It’s my “Lady Boomerang” effect. I can see you are distraught you didn’t think of that yourself. Are you gonna eat that creampuff?

3. When your dad dies, totally take all his wives for yourself. It’s the same as a house you inherit, do you feel bad about that? And you don’t have to pay taxes on Sloppy Second wives! Really, you’re doing them a favor. Giving them their dead husband back, just the younger, sexier, prophet version.

4. Only let them read books you approve of, and only let them listen to recordings of your sermons. Books like “Cleaning for Dummies” and “How to Hate Black People Even More than You Ever Dreamed!” are good coffee table books. You don’t want them to read too much, though. That encourages thinking about things other than having sex with you, which would completely undermine all your sacred wedding vows. Those mean something. Every time.

5. Speaking of Negroes, that’s a great trick to have up your sleeve. Pick a race to blame everything evil on, and tell the lasses you’re here to save them. Don’t pick the blacks though dude, that’s my thing. You can have Latinos or Asians or whatever. You can use this for everything –Asians probably didn’t lock the back door, Asians forgot to get milk at the store, you get my drift.

Listen, do me a favor. My wives are totally gonna freak when they hear it will be another 10-12 years before they can taste the sweet Warren again. Hell, I would too. I taste like a prophet, after all. Tell them I’ll be right back. Tell them I had to go to the store, that the blacks forgot the milk again or something. But don’t taint my women. Go get your own. You can do it now. You’ve been touched by The Warren Jeffs. Seriously, can I have that creampuff?

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Lauren Bishop is a Chicago based stand-up comedienne and improv artist. Lauren has also made a name for herself with voice-overs and television work. For more information please visit http://www.myspace.com/sbellelauren

05/09/2006
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