I live in Brooklyn, NY.  My building has just 2 apartment units.  Mine, and the one below it.  The first floor is occupied by a cell phone store that you wouldn’t want to buy a cell phone from.  I live on the third floor with my roommate, Murray Lundquist, a 50-year old comedy manager who has possibly the least desirable roster of talent next to the Saginaw, MI Bennigan’s afterwork softball team.  And below us lives a fella named Rodney,  a 39-year old employee of Tuffy Muffler.  Rodney is slightly overweight with thinning hair and has large aviator style glasses that could use a good cleaning.  He has informed me that his father was Puerto Rican, and his mother was of Japanese and German decent.  I bump into Rodney on average of one and a half times per week,  just getting the mail and what not.  But in those brief interactions, Rodney always seems to pull a jem out of his pocket, shove it up his keester, then pop it into my noggin’s orifice for a bit of temporal suckings on.  Here are some of my favorite quips that I’ve had to endure while pondering if he’s going to stab the life from me, mid-sentence:

 
1. You like Nelly?  ‘Cause my sister saw dude give 50-Cent a tongue
shine after a concert in Younkers.  Dude thinks dick is delish and
everything.  I keeps my shit hardcore and real knowledge. 

 
2. I’m gonna blow up a restaurant  if that Tiffany lamp I bought on eBay
don’t come in the mail.  If I can’t get my light on…then ain’t nobody
gonna eat.

 
3. When I gets married, I’m bringin’ my gun probably.

 
4. If you ever hear a pig or some shit like that in my apartment, don’t be concerned or nothin’.
 
5. Have you seen my trombone?  Thing just took off.

 
6. Me?  Now I like the Packers just fine, but nobody gonna tell me that Trix are for kids. And fuck Count Chocula.  Dude is disgusting.

 
7. If you like mustard or credit cards or anything, you should stop by sometime.

 
8. I’d kiss you but I just beat up some kids.
 

9. The fart band is in town.  They don’t be smellin’ as good as no regular band.

 
10. Shit, my lamp finally came, but ain’t like nobody gonna miss a Quiznos anyhow.

 
11. Sometimes, I just feel upset at things (stares at the washing machine in the lobby for
10-20 seconds).  Fuck it.

 
12. You ever notice the word “kill” has two L’s in it?  That shit’s fucked up.

Lately, Rodney has been asking me if I’d like to play a game of “catch” at the nearby park.  After asking, he has produced such items as a deflated soccer ball, a coffee mug, and surprisingly, an old sythentic leather baseball that has been dog-chewed, exposing its plastic core, as opposed to traditional thread and cork.  This is usually in the late evening, 11-12 at night, when there is no light to have a successful game of catch.  Least of all with a coffee mug.

I don’t think Rodney is “well”. 

24/08/2006
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