STAND AT THE BOTTOM: How to Please a Woman

by Jared Logan, Blerds Lifestyle Correspondent

Men throughout history have asked the question, “What do women want?” Shakespeare struggled with it, Elvis was frustrated by it, and Mel Gibson made a movie about it right before he decided to devote his film career to his macabre fetish for torture.

I decided to solve the riddle by asking the women themselves. “How can a man please you?” I asked over 400 heterosexual Chicago women. “What are you looking for in a potential mate?” I got some very honest and somewhat shocking answers. What follows is a slew of factual female testimonials on what they are really looking for in a man. With a little luck, and the help of this article, any fella should be able to more clearly understand a woman’s needs and use this knowledge to garner sex and affection from said woman.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR IN A POTENTIAL MATE?

“I want a man with a great sense of humor. Although not at first. Early on a sense of humor is just off-putting. For the first couple dates his sense of humor should be non-existent. Once we’ve been dating for a couple months he can relax and let a joke or two slip out. Once we’ve been together a year he can start being really, really funny.”

—Michelle Cassaday, Bartender–Age 27

“I’m looking for someone whose obsession with the banal is as all-consuming as my own. Someone who enjoys re-arranging closets. Someone who has an opinion on hand-towells. Someone who will spend several hours in a store looking at different types of throw-rugs.”

— Danielle Perriman, Editor–Age 36

“I’m looking for a guy whose not afraid to fill the gaping void left in my personality by my absentee father. I’m not sure how he’s supposed to do this, but I’m pretty sure it involves putting up with my whining.”

— Linda Stratham-Bolger, Therapist–Age 29

“Above-average size genitals”

— Carla Pekkin, Biologist–Age 31

“I want someone who’s so into me that he studies me like a book. For example, he should know me well enough to be able to tell the difference between when I openly resent him, secretly resent him, or am pretending to secretly resent him in order to get something I want.”

—Dolores Middlebot, Art Store Employee–Age 24

“I’m looking for someone whose accomplishments I can claim as my own.”

—Ashley Winick, Sales Rep–Age 26

“Daddy? Is that you, Daddy? Daddy, I love you! Oh, Daddy! You came back!”

— Allison Lake, Certified Public Accountant–Age 38

“I want a man who will stand at the bottom, holding the ice cream cones and stuffed animals he won for us, while my illegitimate son and I ride the roller coaster.”

—Linda Russell, Hair Stylist–Age 23

“I’m looking for someone who loves running errands!”

—Debora Keitel, Customer Service Rep–Age 32

“I want a man who won’t touch me.”

—Cheshire Cat, Exotic Dancer—Age 23

“I’m looking for someone who is noble, self-motivated, heroic. A man of genius who helps mold his environment and shapes a future only he can envision. A self-made man who goes beyond providing for me and takes me to places I never thought I’d go, on adventures I never thought I’d experience. He also can’t mind that I dropped out of grad school and am mostly just selling pot right now.”

—Bethany Minor, Grad-School Dropout/Drug Dealer—Age 28

“Complete and total submission.”

—Katherine Harry, V.P. of Marketing–Age 41

23/08/2006
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