Here are this weeks headlines and my take on each one.

Bush orders humanitarian aid to Lebanon

Two Air Force C-130 cargo planes plan to airdrop ten tons of Chex Mix on Beirut while en route to Israel, where they will off-load two dozen Apache Helicopters, 400 sets of night vision goggles, and 5,000 sidewinder missiles.

GM posts second-quarter loss of $3.2 billion

Hello everyone, I’d like to thank you all for coming to this emergency meeting of the General Motors Board of Directors. We’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news: we’ve fixed the problem with the automatic mirrors on the new Corvette (congratulatory applause). The bad news: over the last three months we’ve lost $3.2 billion (five self-inflicted shotgun blows to the head).

Hussein says he prefers firing squad

Saddam Hussein telling you his preferred method of execution is like Wolfgang Puck telling you his favorite entrée. The man knows a good execution.

Alaska bridge to nowhere hot topic on hill

Technically, every bridge in Alaska is a bridge to nowhere, but this one literally leaves Anchorage and runs for eleven miles before dropping off into the Bering Sea.

Washington court upholds ban on gay marriage

Meanwhile, the comedy community continues to fight for a ban on gay marriage jokes.

China accuses Dalai Lama of CIA links

Damn’t, the gig is up! Get the Lama back to the States as soon as possible. I’m sure his family here in America will be relieved to have him home. I know they’ve wondered why he’s spent the last twenty years traveling to Tibet to, ‘sell stationary’.

09/08/2006
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