WARNING: A heatwave is sweeping the nation. If you have experienced a recent sensation of unbearable hotness, it is most likely due to the fact that rising temperatures in your area have exceeded normal conditions. The National Weather Service has attributed this heated period to summer and, subsequently, has released a handful of helpful tips for surviving it.

1. Stay Away from the Sun

Scientists have determined that the Sun is a primary source behind many heatwaves. Try to avoid contact with the sun at all times. If possible, avoid taking vacations to areas on the equator. Keep yourself in a shaded area such as an apartment with air-conditioning. Use rooftops effectively by standing under them.

2. Avoid Fire

Fire – the phenomenon of combustion as manifested in light, flame, and heat – can turn a hot day into a real scorcher. Try not to start fires around your body and others. Keep your fireplace free from wood and combustible items at all times as well as your skin. If you are a firefighter, this is a good time to call in a personal day and hose yourself.

3. Drink COLD Beverages and Take COLD Showers

Don’t worry if you feel especially thirsty during hot summer days. This is often a natural reaction to excessive heat conditions. Do your best to fill up with liquids – specifically cold ones. As tempting as McDonald’s coffee is with your morning syrup-infused egg sandwich, be aware that piping hot beverages often make a sweaty person even hotter. Hot Chocolate is sure tasty, but you want to stave off that sweet drink until the barometric pressure in your region has created a climate below the 100-degree mark. Yes, water does serve as relief on your body – apply liberally to face, neck, hands, arms, legs, feet, and genitals – but make sure it is Cold water. Boiling water can turn sweaty flesh into a terrible third-degree burn.

4. Wear Loose Clothing

There is a time and place for tight leather pants and a Mohair turtleneck. Neither one occurs in the middle of a heatwave. Let your local DJs know that you are at a serious risk of overheating when wearing shorts and a tee shirt to the VIP room.

5. Blow on Soup and Pizza Before Digesting

Your breath has natural cooling properties when it comes to hot food items. Anything that comes straight out of the oven should be blown on for 32 seconds before inserted in your mouth.

6. Plug in All Cooling Devices

If you have a fan, air-conditioner or ice-maker, be sure to plug it in. Heatwaves are the best time to use these technologies. After plugging in these devices, switch them on so as to gain their full effect.

7. Avoid Power Outages

Be sure to reside in a neighborhood that does not experience blackouts. These incidents often reduce the quality of air-conditioners, fans, and ice-makers. Live in areas with nice houses and high property taxes when possible. Bottom line: Avoid poverty at all costs.

03/08/2006
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