The Miami Heat just defeated the Dallas Mavericks to win the NBA championship in 2006. The series was the climax to one of the most exciting professional basketball post-seasons in its history. A majority of all of the series’ were extremely exciting, mainly because everyone knew their role. The two favorites held themselves with such poised athletic apathy, which enabled our criticism, to the most professional level they could achieve. All the while they were keeping the second four month season in perspective. Today’s NBA allows players to set their own rules as far as trades and fouls go, and no one utilized the modern era better than this year’s champion Heat squad.

First let’s start with their roster, it is a complete joke. What makes them great is that their two biggest stars are the least offensive acquisitions they have, but remain jokes. Shaquille O’Neal, the king of the world and the NBA signed as free agent with them last year for the sole reason that he was sick of winning titles with the greatest player in basketball that also bonds races together in their hatred of him. Plus, Kobe thought that telling the Colorado Police that Shaq has an entire bank account dedicated to ‘shut the fuck up’ money he pays women with all of the time would help him out in his own rape case. Kobe Bryant is so amazing. He is not black. He is not white. He is not American. He is just hated. We don’t know if he’s Italian because of his Japanese name, we just know we don’t like him and neither does Shaq. Kobe is simply annoying. Not over the top infuriating, where you actually have to care, but worse. He is painfully consistent annoyance. Not only does he choose to emulate the worst traits of the two greatest black entertainers in history, Jordan’s cliché press conferences and Michael Jackson’s ferriswheel, but then he has the gall to be an incredible basketball player. Result: the Heat have themselves a franchise center. God bless his 34 year old flat footed back twinges to accompany his healthy 37% ratio from the charity line. Why? Because it equals $28 million a season, that’s why. Next, comes their real superstar, Dwayne Wade, who by the way does not spell his first name any where near how it was just documented. He was drafted fifth overall by the Heat (who later admitted they wanted Chris Bosh but got stuck with Wade). Its hard to blame that thinking when you remember that Wade came out of the Cinderella Marquette team to sneak into the final four which had racist analysts alike saying that Travis Diener was the leader of that squad. So the Heat got stuck with the greatest player in the league at the fifth slot.

The beauty of the Heat comes from Gordon Geco, himself, Pat Riley. First, he is the GM of the team and makes all personnel decisions. After last year’s Heat squad came within two minutes of making the NBA Finals last year, Gordo thought a tweaking was in order. Riley blew up the team and executed a 5 team trade, where they got Antoine Walker, Gary Payton, Jason Williams, and James Posey; while in return the Jazz got Greg Ostertag back. Perfect. Riley got the three guys who people despise the most to bring in that new era of championship ball to the beach. God bless all 3 of them Riley knew their video game greatness so much that he came in half way through the year to coach these clowns to yet another book. I could go on and on about the meshing of the wigger, the mouth , and the meaty three baler , but game 7 wrapped it all up. Between Walker doing his shimmy from the floor 2 inches away from White America, to Gary Payton getting hit in the back with a pass because he was occupied jawing at the ref from a play 6 minutes ago, the Heat’s title was inevitable. I can’t wait to Gordo blows this up and comes back for his title defense with Latrell Sprewell.

01/08/2006
RSS 2.0 / trackback