Life defining moments are few and far between. My next one happens today, July 28th. Michael Mann is blessing me with a film version of Miami Vice. You see, I unapologetically enjoy shitty movies. And not in the manner of enjoying something shitty in an ironic sense. Maybe not even shitty, more like “uncool”. Fever Pitch? Watched it on HBO 7+ times. Spanglish? Saw it in the theater with 4+ HBO screenings. I can’t get enough of The Punisher and The Blade Trilogy but I’ve never seen any of The Lord of The Rings films, which I’m told are excellent. Don’t care. A few recent examples are The Breakup and Click. I could go on and on but I think you get the point.

And as far as shitty, uncool, unhip, garbage goes, Miami Vice is my mecca. I don’t really like Jamie Foxx all that much, and the only Colin Farrell movie I’ve ever seen in Phonebooth. Ultra shitty. Watched it twice. But goddamnit, those two bastards being ordered around by Michael Mann and then chopped up into neck breaking cut aways and swirling pan shots in post are going to make me squeal. Remember that shoot out scene in Heat? That’s my favorite gun fight scene of all time. Easy. I’m fully expecting something of the sort in this movie. Plus a boat chase, a car chase, cocaine, brutal murders, maybe some tits, explosions, and seedy underbellies. Gimme. Here’s your 12 bucks, just gimme. Gimme gimme gimme. I need.

Oh I’ve fought it. For years. With interesting docs, and readin’ books, and Shins bootlegs, and underground rags. But I’m done. I’m tired. And I’m not gonna be cool. I’m never gonna be hip. The charade ends on the 28th. I’m going pop. Full blown. I’m listening to Evanescence and Good Charlotte, and The All-American Rejects, and fucking Dashboard Confessional, and fucking Sum 41, and motherfucking Fall Out Boy. I’m getting some Burger King. I’m gonna get Star and US weekly subscriptions. I’m going to Chili’s for margs and one a them onion dealies. I’m watching Entourage and The Hills and Emeril. I’m telling jokes about shit that makes sense to everyone. I’m drinking Bud Light.

To tide me over and ease me this week, I’ve already been to You, Me, and Dupree (yuck. awesome.) and The Devil Wears Prada (suck wagon. kickass.)

So roll that up and shove it in your donkey cockhole R. Crumb. Old hippie jackass. Get a bag of Doritos, a Diet Coke, and toss your Koh-I-Noor Rapidograph for a felt tip fine point Paper Mate. They work fine. You’re boring me.

28/07/2006
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