I’m OK to Fly
Pilots Thomas Cloyd and Christopher Hughes, formerly of American West Airlines, were convicted of “operating an aircraft while intoxicated” in FL. The pilots, who stopped drinking six hours prior to the flight, were below the federal, .1 alcohol limit, but above the .08 FL limit. Most states, along with the federal government, still enforce a .1 blood alcohol limit for aircrafts.

The US Government might be the worst caretaker in the world. Some how, we pay less money for gasoline then water; Frisbees come with more warning labels then guns; and you can fly a plane drunk, but not drive a car. Apparently, landing a plane at 200 MPH requires less attention then merging on to Clark Avenue in a green, Honda Civic. From now on, I’m calling beers four through seven, the “hotshot round” since, at my weight, it represents the range where the US Government says I can safely pilot a jet, but not drive a car. I’m walking to all my destinations if I overhear some one finish his fourth shot of tequila with, “don’t worry, I’m only piloting United 200 into Portland tonight- the pickup will stay here”.

Even if computers can safely fly the plane, an intoxicated pilot is still a hazard because, in my experience, drunk people always claim to know a “shortcut” that will get you more lost then a backwards map. With drunk passengers, you are always “one turn away” on some old county road, or “there in half the time” if you cut through a housing development. A drunk pilot would probably show you the Grand Canyon and Florida Pan Handle- and hit a deer, while trying to shave twenty minutes off Cleveland-to-Chicago.

Is the Buffett still Open?
A recent study proves the people who consume the most amount of alcohol tend to have the worst diets, with binge drinkers having particularly unhealthy eating habits. The wide difference in diets surprised researchers at The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (where the study was conducted) and was described as “confusing” by the lead author, Dr Rosalind A. Breslow.

Great- our leading institute on alcoholism just spent a year discovering what every cashier at Dennys knows by the end of his first shift: drunk people eat like pigs. Of course drunk people eat poorly- haven’t these researchers ever visited a Waffle House after midnight? Drunk people do not leave a bar to snack on carrot sticks and practice yoga- they order skillets until the room quits spinning and then sing “Sweet Caroline” while waiting for the bill. A town’s most crowded space is never the Church or library; it’s the gyro hut that’s open two hours after the bars- people fill that place like it was distributing free vaccines. I’ve been drinking in bars for over ten years, and I’ve seen drunks throw a perfect game of darts, recite all state capitals (in the order they were declared!), and even leap over a car- but I have never seen anyone order the salad. Hell, my late night meal is considered healthy if I can just stick to one page of the menu while ordering. I eat like a condemned man when drunk, combining meals that would probably crash the software of most restaurants:

“ah sir, I’m sorry for the delay, but, apparently, our registers aren’t capable of combining four tacos with a banana split and scrambled eggs… … …I’d be happy to retake your order, if you can wakeup your friends and quit pouring syrup on each other.”

27/07/2006
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