The official website of Michelob Ultra, a low carb beer marketed to health-conscious consumers:

Excuse me- I haven’t looked at the USDA’s Food Pyramid in some time: when did beer become a health drink? Apparently beer can not only help you loose weight, but also –according to the commercials for Michelob Ultra– improve your jump shot and golf game. I thought Michelob Ultra was a strangely titled deodorant or new gym after watching the commercial. The people in these ads look as though they’re finishing an IronMan competition- how many beer drinkers actually own a wet suite, after all? And when has a mountain bike ever creped into a night of drinking? I can barely operate a pinball machine while drunk, let alone a bumperless vehicle that’s powered by my own strength. Flipping quarters into beer mugs is the closest most people will ever get to exercising on a Friday night. When people are proposing drinking games, you will never hear some one suggest, “mens four hundred meter relay”. Instead, we quickly finish five shots of tequila and start a game like, “ass hole” or “any thing I can play with a broken heel”. I’ve spent entire evenings on the same stool while drinking. Providing I can still tip the waitress and eat a burrito, the entire left side of my body could be broken on a Saturday night without impacting my plans.

Ultra says, ‘if you run, this is your beer’. Well, what’s my beer, then? What’s the beer for some one who walks through the drive through lane at Taco Bell because his car was repossessed? What’s the beer for some one who eats more jello shots then vegetables? Even more outlandish then the merchandising of Michelob Ultra, is the prizes awarded on their website, a list that includes mountain bikes, rounds of golf, treadmills and tickets to the Ultra 10K race. Only Michelob Ultra would even consider such awards. Moreover, no other brewery in America could realistically sponsor a marathon. A foot race sponsored by Schlitz would never even begin after a knife fight breaks out at the starting line and most the contestants leave for a bar with ten cent wings and trough urinals.

I regularly attend a bar called “Toni’s” that checks any thing larger then a ten dollar bill for fraud and is so dark the waitress needs a flashlight to answer the phone. Where do you think ‘additional sports equipment’ rates on the wish list of customers at “Toni’s”? These guys would rather receive a partially finished cigarette then a tread mill- Lord knows they have no interest in walking, given the incredible amount of chatter I hear about past DUI convictions: “son, unless that’s a robot that can represent me in a polic intoxication case, I’ve got no use for it”.

19/07/2006
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