So last we saw Captain Jack Sparrow he was… I don’t even remember. No one remembers what happened in the last movie. Because it doesn’t matter what happens in it. You watch it and then you go about the rest of your life. There was something about a curse. I remember this because it was in the name of the first movie. Anyway, this movie starts off pretending as if we cared about all those characters and name dropping them. “Admiral Norrington has been missing for 3 years!” Oh no! He’s been missing! Fuck! Questions I asked in my head follow.

1. Who is Admiral Norrington?

2. Why should I care?

That’s what this movie is like. They set up some super dramatic entrances, like they’ll show just show some character’s feet, then you hear their voice, you try to place that slight tremble, then the camera pans up slowly, slowly, who is it?, still moving, up the chest and… oh my god! It’s not!… who is that? I have no idea. Am I supposed to remember this guy? Perhaps I should have done my pre-reading. It’s just one of the many ways that this movie comes across as arrogant. It assumes we gave enough of a shit about the last movie to remember anyone but Jack Sparrow, Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley. Which brings us to the following assertion:

Keira Knightley is not hot.

She looks like if Orlando Bloom was a man. Her role in the movie is to pout and look all hot and shit. She looks like… well… a male version of Orlando Bloom. No other way to describe her. Are you going to fight me on this? Go ahead. If you are attracted to Manlando Bloom, then you should hurry up and sign up for a slot in the Gay Games. I believe they have some openings still.

Anyway, the movie has about 100 plot lines and they all concern magic. Remember, in the last movie, where its a normal world and there is only a little bit of magic and when people see it they are like “Fuck! Magic! In my world? What is going on? I don’t know what’s true anymore! There is no God!” Well this movie has magic everywhere. It’s like in the two years that have passed since the last movie their normal earth morphed into Narnia. People are all blase about it already. “Oh look a flying dress. Must be magic. Remember two years ago when there was no magic everywhere at all? I miss those days. Anyway, pass me the fairy dust. I need to conjur up a mule to carry my wizard staff. I also need to make a stop at the magic grocery store as well. Is that cool? Shit. I have to pick up my magic laundry too. Do you want me to pick you up any magic hot dogs or anything?”

There is a giant magical sea monster, magical fish zombies, magical tattoos, a magical undead monkey. You know a movie has too much magic when it has a magical monkey in it.

Also, its only half a movie. It ends halfway though. The rest of it comes out next year. If my review followed the logic of the movie, it would end mid-senten

18/07/2006
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