A man in Oregon is suing Michael Jordan and Nike founder Phil Knight for $832 million because he says he has been mistaken for Michael Jordan everyday for the past 15 years and he’s tired of it.

Allen Heckard of Portland is suing Jordan for defamation and permanent injury and emotional pain and suffering. Now that sounds like a rock-solid lawsuit. Who the hell does Michael Jordan think he is becoming the best basketball player of all time, all the while, kind of resembling Allen Heckard of Portland, Oregon? He’s got some nerve. Never mind the countless hours of entertainment Michael Jordan provided sports fans around the world with during his career, let’s talk about that uncomfortable moment at Applebee’s last Wednesday when Mr. Heckard’s dinner was briefly interrupted by a confused twelve-year-old seeking an autograph.

Heckard is suing Phil Knight for defamation and permanent injury for promoting Jordan and making him one of the most recognized men in the world. As he should! Who the hell does Phil Knight think he is for promoting Michael Jordan before checking to see if he sort of resembles other people? Particularly, Allen Heckard. While he’s at it, why not go after everyone else who helped to bolster Jordan’s career. Let’s sue the 1982 Georgetown Hoyas for their breakdown in defense in the final seconds of the NCAA Championship. Let’s slap a lawsuit on Craig Ehlo, too, for his inability to elevate with Jordan and block his game winner in the 1989 Playoffs. Byron Russell probably deserves to be sued, too, for falling for a crossover dribble.

Heckard, who is six inches shorter than Jordan, also shaves his head, wears an earring in his left ear, and plays basketball. Things he will tell you he was doing long before anyone had ever heard of Michael Jordan. According to Heckard:

“Even when I go to the gym I’m accused of playing ball like him (Jordan).”

Poor Allen Heckard! Not only do you sort of resemble Michael Jordan, now you’re telling me that some people have the nerve to compare your game to his. What a terrible cross to bear. Are you sure $832 million is enough?

Some might wonder how Heckard settled on a tidy little figure like $832 million. It seems sort of arbitrary until you hear Heckard put it in his own, poetic words:

“Well, you figure with my age and you multiply that times seven and then I turn around and I figure that’s what it all boils down to.”

His explanation sounds less like a formula for compensation, and more like a bizarre new verse to, “The Hokey Pokey”. Good luck Mr. Heckard. Maybe one day we can all be like Allen. And that’s what it’s all about.

14/07/2006
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