I’m sure people were as furious as I was on Monday when their mailbox threw us all for a loop. That of course is when everyone’s subscription to Us Weekly comes in, and this week was a motherfucker. I apologize for the early profanity, but what is one to do when after discarding past notice electric and gas bills you get smacked in the face with “DENISE STEALS HEATHER’S HUSBAND” on the cover of your relied upon periodical. That’s right, Denise Richards, who played Dr. Christmas Jones in The World is Not Enoug(easily the best bond movie), has found new love in Richie Sambora. Sambora, of course played Mick Silver in the Lance Bass vehicle On the Line, and guitar, is the ex-husband of Heather Locklear. Yes , that Heather Locklear, Rita Burwald from Jury Duty: The Comedy. Supposedly Heather also starred on the show “Spin City” with Charlie Sheen, who will be heard as Dex Dogtective in the upcoming Foodfight! Richards recently has divorced with Sheen after making some very believable and hilarious claims(see part II), has taken her best friends ex hubby( Which is worse, using the word hubby, or two parentheses in one sentence? answer: asking a question in parentheses). Thats right , to complicate things even more, Denise and Heather are B.F.F. Sources from Us Weekly has confirmed that. When Denise was in a perfect marriage to Charlie Sheen, Colleen from Pier 66, guest starred on four entire episodes of Spin City. After logging in all that time, a natural fake friendship was born. “Hey were both married to Scumbags right? Lets share how insane we are!”
I can understand somewhat how how Heather Locklear got hooked up with Sambora, because she grew up on that shit, when Bon Jovi was popular. But how does Sambora pick off a young bitty like Richards? Did she really like the new Jovi album? Is she Japanese? Arena football fan? I can only blame a week of her crying in front of a VH1 retrospect show on the greatest lunchboxes of 1987 that caused this. Im sure she obtained information that Sheen and Locklear had sex at one point, but they should be doing that. Its exactly what we want them to do, its literally what they were born to do, to have gorgeous scumbag sex. Heather has thrown a nice monkey in the wrench by beginning to date David Spade. Nice Move Locks. She went ahead and showed Richards exactly how you rebound, you low ball. She not only gets back at Sambora with this manuver by pissing him off, but somehow she got back at all of us with this illogical slap in the face. Now we have to watch Spade act like hes above all of it by talking about it indirectly as much as he can, good one Heather.
Sheen, as always, is taking the high road and being the class act of the four by staying out of the limelight and in a safe world of private coke binges with hookers. He’s always known how to do Hollywood right, and this divirce is no exception. He could be saying plenty right now, as his name is being drug through the mud with Richards accusations. Some are surprised by his silence, but how come? How could Sheens name possibly be dampened by accusations of drugs and hookers from Richards? He must of had a good laugh when his agent called him with the shocking news. and every good cokehead could use a chuckle. In part II of my defending the Sheenbag, we will take a nice deep leagl dive into the divorce papers that include: chainsaws, spraypaint, beepers , pills, and death threats to mothers in front of her children. I Love the 80s.

13/07/2006
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