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The following test is based on the Stringloffian model for Personality Dissection. Dr. Harmon Barnold Stringloffian was a celebrated psychologist, pop culturalist, and a personalitician. His is considered by many to be the Grandfather of Personality Dissection, whatever that means.
Answer the following questions truthfully, then use the directions that follow to score yourself and discover your personality archetype.
PART 1: SLOGAN
Which of these slogans defines you as a person? (Choose one)
1) Give me liberty or give me cable!
2) Apathy: It’s what’s for dinner.
3) I’ve fallen! And I don’t feel like getting up!
4) Just for the taste of it: FEAR!
5) Did somebody say “abusive father”?
PART 2: CELEBRITY COUPLING
Which of these celebrities do you most desire to copulate with?
a) Alan Greenspan
b) Margaret Cho
c) Deputy Secretary of the Interior Lynn Scarlett
d) Reese Witherspoon’s mouth
e) Every Member of Motley Crue
f) Interview with a Vampire Author Anne Rice
g) Ken Griffey Jr.
PART 3: WHO WOULD YOU KILL?
The following types of people are in a burning building. Which of these types of people would you NOT save?
1) a crackhead
2) a U.S. senator
3) a woman
4) some teenage punk with a smart mouth
5) euro-trash
PART 5: MUSICAL TASTES
You are listening to music. In this hypothetical situation, what type of music would you prefer to listen to?
a) Memphis/N’Orleans jazz/soul/blues hybrid
b) heavy metal christian rock (a.k.a. oxymoronica)
c) candid recording of James Brown losing his mind while sitting in a bathtub
d) Beatles covers
e) Hip Hop (with the curse words bleeped out, of course!)
f) sound effects
g) Mannheim Steamroller
PART 6: FIND YOUR SPIRIT ANIMAL
Which of these animals is kindred to your soul?
1) a big fat disgusting pig (really fat and gross)
2) the three-toed sloth
3) a swarm of termites
4) a bear, wounded and senile
5) pond-scum
6) the american white-crested speckle-beak willow owl (endangered)
SCORE YOURSELF!
Now it’s time to find out which of the three personality archetypes fits you!
If you…
a) IF YOU LIED WHILE ANSWERING THESE QUESTIONS IN ORDER TO OBTAIN A MORE DESIRABLE PERSONALITY PROFILE, YOU ARE ARCHETYPE 1 (see below).
b) IF YOU THINK THAT YOU ANSWERED THE QUESTIONS HONESTLY AND ARE HONESTLY INTERESTED IN FINDING OUT WHICH ARCHETYPE THE TEST CHOOSES FOR YOU, YOU ARE ARCHETYPE 2 (see below).
c) IF YOU DOUBTED YOUR ABILITY TO ANSWER THE QUESTIONS HONESTLY, AND HAD AN OBJECTIVE THIRD-PARTY OBSERVER ANSWER THE QUESTIONS FOR YOU, YOU ARE PERSONALITY ARCHETYPE 3 (see below).
PERSONALITY ARCHETYPE 1
Basic Description: You are level-headed and responsible but you also have your head in the clouds. You’re a dreamer and a doer. You don’t judge people, but you do value loyalty in others because you, yourself, are loyal. You like to do your own thing and you’re definitely not part of the crowd. Your artistic side is offset by your impressive logic and reasoning skills. You are a visionary. You are charitable and kind and only become upset when it is warranted to do so. You are good in bed.
Lucky Numbers: 2, 8, 15, 129
PERSONALITY ARCHETYPE 2
Basic Description: You lie to yourself often. You actually think you answered those questions honestly and that your answers were not horribly skewed by your own vanity. You are a fool and a hypocrite. You are the worst kind of gullible jerk. You, of all people, are the least qualified person to answer questions about yourself. Get a clue!
Lucky Numbers: 18, 38, 116, 200
PERSONALITY ARCHETYPE 3
Basic Description: You’re a bore. You’ll never be happy. You’re never going to overcome and it’s not going to get better. You could give up but that would be so cliche. You’re always going to ache and you’re always going to feel exhausted. You are not special. You will always be disappointed. You get sick often. You feel unattractive. But at least you’re honest!
Lucky Numbers: 1, 26, 81, 307
by Jared Logan
10/07/2006
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