My parents called me a couple weekends ago. “We’re going to Jimmy Buffett at Alpine Valley” they said. Say what? My parents, who I’ve never heard of going to any concert are going to Buffet? “Yup” my dad said, “We’re Parrot Heads”. Oh Jesus. The last thing I can think of that they went to was a New Kids on the Block concert (for the record, my uncle won the tickets from a radio station and I’d never heard of them until the concert), when I was in 3rd or 4th grade or the Nitty Gritty Dirty Band, who played “Mr. BoJangles” at the Muscatine, Iowa County Fair when I was really young.

Over the years, I have grown to hate concerts. I used to go to them all the time. In high school and college I was in to all these punk/ska bands and I’d go see them all over eastern Iowa. I saw Goldfinger and the Mighty Mighty Bosstones with the Dropkick Murphys and Less Than Jake and MxPx. I saw Run-DMC ad Rage Against the Machine, Motley Crue, Eminem, Limp Bizkit, the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Foo Fighters. I’d see it all. I even saw Kid Rock at the Mark of the Quad Cities. Then I started to hate it. The novelty wore off. Crowd surfing was no longer cool. Sweaty mosh pits were especially not awesome. I saw a kid get punched in the face real hard twice in one mosh pit. I got kicked out of Motley Crue for crowd surfing and had to sneak back in in 1999. Who cared? I’d rather listen to them at home or in a bar instead of jammed into some arena floor with dirtbag high schoolers in all black or hillbillies chanting “show your tits” so some girl in row 14 could whip out her flapjacks. Yuck. At least I’d know who’s sweat was all over me.

So I stopped going. I can’t imagine my parents surrounded by fraternity kids in Hawaiian shirts getting drunk or stoned for the first time. Then I read the latest Rolling Stone magazine dedicated to all the Summer tours going on. For $400 you can have sweet tix to see Bon Jovi. Fuck YOU, Bon Jovi. Ozzfest? I’ll pass. Vans Warped Tour? I’ll be 27 this Summer. I don’t need to see any punk pop songs about heartbreak brought to you by fucking Vans. Tom Petty. No. Fiona Apple. No. Elvis Costello. No. Dashboard Confessional. Hell no. Up and down the list. Not one person was appealing to me. I thought about the Who or the Raconteurs, until I realized the effort that would go in to pretending I liked the Who or reading Jack White say that the “last thing I want to do is play songs like they are on the record. I think what we do best is improvise”. Great. Fucking sweet, Jack White. I want to buy your album and then pay $38 to see you fuckers do a little zip-zop-zap on the gee-tars. You’re fucking pretentious. I don’t want to hate you. You wrote “Seven Nation Army”, and for that, I will forever like you. But I might start hating you. I heard a while back that Prince doesn’t like playing any of his old favorites at concerts. Suck it up, freakshow. Play the hits, Symbol. The list goes on and on.

So… I racked my brain and came up with a list of current recording artists I would pay to go see. Here is the list.

1. Guns N’ Roses. Fuck yes, I would go see GNR. Especially if, like, Poison opened for them. It would never happen. They’d get some new shitty new metal band like Nickleback. But I’d go see Axl. Max price: $60.

2. Michael Jackson. If Michael Jackson was coming to the United Center, I’d pay $100. Again, he’s all tied up in Dubai or wherever the fuck he is. Paris or something. But I’d go see him like a motherfucker.

3. Kanye West. I turned down tickets to see him at House of Blues for the College Dropout tour a year or so ago. I’ve regretted it ever since. $50.

4. The White Stripes. No improv, Jack and Meg. Just strait-up rockin’ and I’m there. $40. White Stripes - Green Day? $50.

5. If Jay-Z came back and had OutKast or the Beastie Boys with him, I wouldn’t be able to pass it up. Or Jay-Z/Talib Kweli. I’d pay $40.

6. Stevie Wonder. I would. And I’d pay $40.

7. Macho Man Randy Savage. Have you heard his rap album? If he was playing at Gunther Murphy’s or Schubas, I’d pay $20-$25. “Perfect Friend” is one of my all-time favorite songs. I’m not kidding.

That’s it.

28/06/2006
RSS 2.0 / trackback