“A chemistry professor at Columbia University who in March retracted two papers and part of a third published in a leading journal is now retracting four additional scientific papers. The retractions came after the experimental findings of the papers could not be reproduced by other researchers in the same laboratory.”

• New York Times

Duuuudes! I’m so, so, so sorry about this but I’ve gotta 86 a few more of those papers I published in those journals you people are so into. I know, I know. This is the second time I’ve had to take back shit I purported to be undeniably scientifically true. But, come on dudes. You know how it is. Little microscopic shit floating through the air. How the hell can we ever be sure that what we’re saying is right? Haven’t our forebros effed up in the past? Do we so easily forget that not too long ago we thought the sun revolved around a flat earth that had a moon made out of cheese? Was man not once thought to be nothing more than blood and bile who could be best cured with a prescription for leeches? Should we excommunicate the professor who once said a person with a penis could never have a vagina?
I say NAY!
Let’s face it: science is tough as shit – obviously not the kind that comes after a gordita and three cups of espresso. After staring at a bunch of abbreviated elements attached to long hyphens for a few hours, your imagination starts to get the best of you. So, that said, I’d like to take this opportunity to take back a few of the things I’ve claimed to discover in the past year.
Arsenic + Cyanide does NOT kill cancer

First of all, let me just say that it did not occur to me that people actually read these journals I’ve been submitting to. I just assumed that people, like myself, picked these things up because they were too self-conscious to go to the counter with US Weekly, WordFiner Beginner’s Edition, and Barely Legal. For the record, I never actually performed this experiment on a human being. I was working primarily with lab rats and my grandmother was lying on the kitchen floor like that before I got there.
IBUPROFEN ain’t an Aphrodisiac

I’m hesitant to totally retract this paper. I’ve had mucho success with the ladies in the past, and many of them originally claimed to have a headache. What? Can’t reproduce this experiment in the laboratory? Yeah, no shit Sherlock. Try it again in a West Village studio with a flat screen plasma television and a suede couch. And if you want to know the whole truth, it’s not just ibuprofen that I slip into their drinks. Drop those thick-framed telescopes you’ve got around your white-haired ears for a moment and put yourself in my shoes. I’ve got a rep to protect and, more importantly, I was told that it was a bad etiquette for scientists to reveal their secrets. So keep this on the D.L.
IXSNA on the 2He + O + 14CoRoNAs = Levitating Flatulence

You’ve got to give me a break on this one. What man of science hasn’t once desired to tap into the power of flight? And I’m not talking about that weak ass Wright Bros. bullshit that requires a person to be somewhere two hours before takeoff. I’m talking bad ass up-up-and-away Icarus domination baby. I can see you’re collective beards nodding already. You know what I’m saying B.? So after seeing a late-night screening of Rocket Man on the SuperStation, I started to think to myself how a man could make a rocket out of his rectum. It seemed to me like the only logical place to generate propulsion. I thought it worked. My homie straight outta CUNY was there taking pictures with his photographic memory. Of course we both took a hit of acid a few hours earlier. I would’ve mentioned that in the paper, but I was on deadline and trying to figure out the chemical composition of LSD was just a little too much to ask for at the time. You’ve all got students. Come on. Give me at least a B-minus on that one.

Furthermore, neutrons aren’t only found in Switzerland, Carbon Monoxide isn’t a painkiller, and Vanna White isn’t a hundred percent Aryan. Trust me: I have learned my lesson and I’m ready to start playing science like a responsible adult now. So put this crap behind us, hand me that water-filled beaker with the detachable slide bowl, and let’s discover some shit.

15/06/2006
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