by Prescott Tolk

“A high school teacher has apologized for asking students to write about who they would kill and how they would do it, and officials said he will likely keep his job. Michael Maxwell, who teaches industrial technology at Central High School, said his request that students in his beginning drafting class describe how they would carry out a murder was merely a writing prompt. It was not clear why he asked the drafting class to write fiction.”

— Chicago Sun-Times
Good morning, class. I have yet to finish grading your midterm projects, but I should have them done by the end of the week. I must say that I’ve been impressed with what I’ve seen so far. Rachael did a fabulous job designing a wind-powered shoe store and Adam certainly tapped into something special with his blueprints for a fire-proof oven.
Which brings me to today’s lesson: MURDER.
What exactly is it and how do I plan it out? That is probably what has been on your minds since September. After all, it is why people get into industrial technology in the first place.
Murder is a very complicated thing. It requires killing someone, usually for a very good reason. But you can’t just jump into the murder game. You’ve really got to sit down and think through the best way to do it in the same manner you would build a bridge.
What’s that Jimmy? No. No need to pull out your protractor for this one, Jimmy. The only thing you’ll be needing is a life worth taking and a plan of action.
Let’s face it: we’ve all been slighted by someone in our lives. Whether it is the school bully or the woman you stuck a $25,000 diamond ring on who proceeded to sleep with a guy she worked with at her holiday office party while you made small talk with her manager.
As we’ve discussed before, everything in life takes careful plotting. Action only follows planning, and there’s nothing more important to plan for than a murder. Remember the electric generator? Yeah, that’s right. We inevitably discussed the troublesome matter of rust, corrosion, and overheating. Similarly – when it comes to cold-blooded murder – you have to worry about alibis, witnesses, and admissible evidence. So put down that blunt object you’re holding and start thinking about a reasonable way to slay a deserving individual.
Poison, you say? What kind and over how long of a period? Have you accurately sized up your victim? Because the fact of the matter is that a teaspoon of arsenic ain’t gonna do a darn thing to a 220-pound junior on the high school football team just as a 9-volt battery won’t start up an Escalade.
So, before we move on to the components of warehouse installation and alternatives to asbestos-based products, I’d like you all to go home tonight and think of an appropriate life to end with your own two hands. Yes, hiring someone to do the dirty work always leaves a loose end that will only get you a big fat zero in this class. Find that piece of low-life scum you can’t stand to look at when you go home from work and see her sitting on the couch talking on the phone to her friends about what a bad lover you are and decide on the most efficient way to eliminate her from the phone book. Or guy. Whatever.
That said, I’m going to let you out of class early today as I have some personal matters to attend to. I’ll be looking forward to reading what you come up with tomorrow.

01/06/2006
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