Why is V8 going after orange juice? Are you telling me that V8 has beef with orange juice? I mean, it’s orange juice. Who is that campaign going to work on? Are you health-conscious AND retarded?

“Put down your orange juice, you fat pieces of shit. Orange juice is for the fatties. You heard me right. Fatties! Look at you, all disgusting with your fat fucking OJ. You disgust me. Vitamin C is for gross pig people. Carbs make you fat and everyone knows orange juice will make you a real sick fuck. Go eat a stick of butter with your sin juice, you whale. I can’t even stand to look at you.”

No! The last time I checked, orange juice is healthy. It’s the state beverage of Florida. It prevents scurvy. And Robert Atkins is fucking dead. He’s three years of dead. Aren’t we all sick of hearing about ‘carbs’? I am. Now… I should probably tell you that I do enjoy a V8 drink. I like all of their products I’ve tried. They’re good. But I feel like orange juice needs to retort. You know, just to put V8 in its place. Here’s how I think it should go…

“Hey V8, watch your ass. We’re motherfucking orange juice, my man. Orange juice. You are barking up the wrong tree. What are you – tomatoes and shit? Gross. Who wants to drink that? Isn’t tomato juice for getting rid of skunk spray? You’re like a big skunk shit smell eraser and I’m supposed to drink you? Oh, you brought 7 of your vegetable friends along? Well, I looked up your recipe. Beets, Celery, Carrots, Lettuce, Parsley, Watercress and Spinach. Fucking yuck. Let me drink that shit. Who knows if a big fucking skunk sprayed its skunk shit all over the recipe, but nobody can smell it because of your tomato-beet-parsley vegetable jizz. And what the fuck is a watercress? Check this shit out man; Oranges. Sugar. Water. Bang! That’s all the fuck we need. So take your spinach and your celery and your fucking parsley and go the fuck back to Grossville and stay the fuck out of my supermarket isle. Orange Juice, motherfucker.”

Orange Juice, motherfucker indeed.

08/05/2006
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